Monday, April 21

Sax Hotel

The whole idea of people taking up a hotel room to just do it revolts me. Of course the things that make me want to barf, are the things I've shamelessly indulged in. Maybe I was too stupid then. Or maybe I didn't have a spine to say no, I find it conclusively loser-ish.
Met my friends who are planning to get something fancy since both of them are not from Delhi and hence the idea seems romantic. Now these guys are the most wonderful people alive so I'm going to exclude them from my bias. But lots of people seem to do it. I'm not concerned with people who pay for it and so need an arrangement like that. But these lovey dovey I'm-so-into-you couples. How do they manage? Maybe deep down I have the sexual independence of some Pooja type character. I for one know that it made me feel incredibly uncomfortable. It also made me feel whore-ish( is that a word? um) Since the guy is paying for something ridiculously expensive, the agenda for the night weighs down on you. And the stress...usually at moments like these, I clam up. Those are the precise nights when my body gets cold. Maybe I haven't grown up enough to treat sex like shopping. You need shoes and you step out with the purpose of buying them. If you do step out with that intention, there is no love lost if you fail to like something worth buying. But of course the man would consider it imperative to let you know that the night or rather time till check out is wasted on a girl like you. Hmmm. This reads so ugly. Maybe I've been with the wrong men. But that's my experience. I haven't been lucky enough to be with a man who spends 16 grand for Hyatt just for the lavender sheets and bathroom big enough to play golf in, and order fondue and watch tv. Why don't people ever want to do that? Or perhaps they do and I don't know it because I attract animals. They do that when you're at home. Or on ordinary days. But hotel rooms are calendar days.
Is it that people step on duvets and feel instantly horny. What kind of a sex life is that. The vision I get is of people who read stuff like how to make your relationship more alive by unraveling your bedroom vixen. All women magazines have this crap. Haven't read any men stuff other than Maxim, ONLY because they are sometimes so rude that it's brilliant. But I never stuff like that for women. How to be a tiger in bed and make her forget PMS or something. Why is the responsibility of being randy enforced on women? Nowadays all these metrosexual I feel-for-you-baby sort of men are deeply committed to their theory of women being ghastly at giving blowjobs. Ok, point taken. But how many of these bed wonders admit to their unskilled attempts at pleasing women? Most women crib about the man not knowing the point between it's working good and it's plain hurting. Most men think a woman is slutty or easy when she screams too much. Most men think that it's an unthinkable idea if he goes down on you and you don't feel like returning it just for a change. It's a barter. Now it's about equality. But earlier we got shortchanged and no one was keeping count then. All this sexual politics. No wonder I've been off sex since dinosaur years. Who exactly is good enough for me to forget this conditioning?

Yuck. Now I'm a female blogger who's writing about sex. Maybe now finally I'll reach the annals of blogosphere Page 3. Wow. Maybe I should make a habit of this and then some one will ask me to write a book as well.

Sunday, April 13

Doggie trail

Why are Indians so horribly uncivilized on airports? They seem to be bearable in buses, even trains..maybe I'm biased towards trains because you sort of expect it to be a battle so any kind of behaviour fails to match up to your exaggerated expectations. But airports is another thing altogether. I'm so royally ticked off that I might just give up traveling by air altogether. Till the time I can afford to fly business class and consequently, won't have to bother with the sabzi mandi bullshit. Now Delhi crowd can't get better than the kind that's on business hours Jet or Kingfisher flights. So all these crew cut yuppies carry bulky laptop bags, always have a carefully cultivated look of being busy, and wear ugly shirts with ugly shoes. We know that all of them are probably flying on business with the company footing the bill and so, financially comfortable. Or there are huge gay Delhi families, aunties with daughters and chachas to take care of the women folk. Now why do people like me so wary of traveling with families? I'm not some gift from above, have a family too. And we travel too. But we aren't lucky or gay enough to have 15 assorted members on a same flight. How can that be possible? How can 15 people be required for anything at one point of time? Except perhaps marriages.
So my point is that all these people are literate good family type earning well people. But5 there are some traits that won't escape them...

1. So maybe the check in desk is going to shut but it doesn't matter because you have your boarding pass anyway. So you pass through security check and are so flustered by the fact that you'll miss your flight that you bang into the woman in front of you, hand over your ticket and run towards the aircraft. In the course of which that bitch had no time to apologize...of course not sirreee, because she's so busy. Busy enough to make another phone call before actually getting on to the flight.

2. Indians and phones. sigh...the way they fit together. Now as soon as the plane lands, everyone is going to remove their seat belt and switch on their phones. While the seat belt sign is on. While the plane is still moving. The whole problem with these retards is this urgent need for being important. Like we have people waiting for us outside and they are illiterate sods who can't possible inquire flight details from airport crew...no no. We PERSONALLY have to call mummy, wife, driver, associate that yes I have landed and the plane is going to halt now and I just have to collect my baggage now. WTF!!!! It's a small thing but it burns my blood. Everyone has an emotional fear of being faaltu in India. What's the big deal if no one calls you? What is the whole idea of talking to someone on the phone as soon as you land even if no one is actually picking you up and you'll hail a cab anyway. Are these people fused with burnt brain nerves...

3. As soon as the plane halts, everyone will get up. EveryFUCKINGone. They'll stand in the aisles and take out their top baggage. If you're sitting in between someone, the chut on your right would want to give you an incredulous look because you refuse to conform to this ridiculous herd mentality, and then hurriedly ask you to give him way. So that he can take his bag from top and then stand on your near, very near left. Towards the aisle...right on top of your fucking head. And everyone is going to stand like that, sometimes for 15 minutes because everyone knows that it usually takes that much time for the runway to get installed. But they'll stand anyway.

4. If 5 people are traveling together, all of them will hog the baggage claim. So you have thousands of people hovering over the line, with their fucking servants and trolleys in tow. Why can't you put your trolley at the back of the line, take your goddamn bags and then put it on? What is the idea behind blocking the way for everyone else. And if you see your bag from the back of all these 6ft3 chuts, you can shout to be excused, which they'll comprehend after 5 minutes. By then the bag has moved on..then you run with it. Spot some 2 inch space in the front and scream aloud to be given way. While you're lugging your 20 kilo ka bag on your own because c'monnn how can you claim women equality and all that and then expect people to pick your bags after you, then some man comes right behind you to look at his luggage. While he can fucking see that I'm taking my stuff out, he still DOES IT. And then you scream...and declare him to be a motherfucker. Aaaah....Welcome to Delhi no.


Um. Why is this post called so? There's nothing like walking away from your dog's sad brown eyes while leaving...he knows, you know he knows. It kills me.