Thursday, January 7

Very Important Theory

Sooo...Times when I miss having a man in my life.

1. Standing in some godforsaken part of Delhi, not knowing directions, having sent the driver home, eternal school buddy being busy and with every other girl getting dropped home by her boyfriend. Hmmm. Yes I do take the cab but still ok.

2. At some crowded party when everyone is holding hands just to show they are together.

3. In this dreaded cold Delhi weather.

4. When I plan of my vacations alone, and ponder on some decent person to take along, which usually excludes people I already know. No not because they aren't decent, we are too different!

5. Girlfriends telling me sappy boyfriend stories, which happens like once in a blue moon because no one I know has the type of man I want.

6. Sometimes

Okaaayyy...since we are done with that. It looks even better than I thought, only 6 points. So why is it so damn important to BE WITH SOMEONE? I'm sick of people giving me tripe of how there's some serious flaw in my life because I don't get my panties in a twist over my single status, or try the available avenues to get laid. Over here we most definitely should insert my theory of how everyone keeps jumping on about wanting and needing sex mostly because society pushes them to think so. What man? You don't think of getting laid all the time! How come.

I realize that anything half logical/matured from a woman's mouth classifies her as a bra-burning feminist, but I don't recall a time when I've been more relaxed with my place in the world. This is not some lameass oh how cool it is to be single I hate relationships type of point. But lately, it gets on my nerves.. everyone's preoccupation and concern with my 'colourless' life. But since this phase started, I don't waste my time talking on the phone, or meeting someone who stays so far away that I spend half my time traveling, I don't have to force my friends to get along with someone or worse make separate plans, I have a real hobby now and am sticking to it, I only think of myself and am super happy even though I pretty much know how the next year is going to space out. Maybe predictability is what I needed after all the madness in life.
Actually I'm not happy, I'm calm. Very calm. And nowadays I never think about anything, It's like I'm driving with no directions. It would be confusing to actually drive that way, but living like this kicks ass.
Uh I want to say a lot more man, but now it's 2 am and I will wake up at 7. Shit shit.

Saturday, October 24

Relief smells like the sea

Bhagwaan tera lakh lakh shukar hai! Just to remember this date that should teach me to be nice and understanding towards every struggler in every field. Amen.

Thursday, August 20


I've lost count of the number of people I've ditched in my life. It's not something that I do on purpose, but most times, the fact that I won't be able to show up dawns on me late. And I ditched Shantanu a lott. Before he left Delhi, while he was in Delhi, after I reached Bombay. It just happened. Or maybe I didn't put in enough effort, as always. We just joked about it all the time. My shopping, his alcohol dependency. That's what really took him in the end.

Everyone used to tell me how I'll have a certain stillness in my life after my needless rebellion. Which obviously made no sense to any of us, so we stayed awake for 40 hours straight, drank even bong water (once!), experimented, because we are here now, and we won't be at the same place again. Many of us have come out of the madness and made normal lives out of it, but some of them had to pay. Just for the carelessness and not loving our bodies enough. It's not that his death has taught me these things, but knowing someone who dies because of sheer carelessness and of how immature we all really are, is cementing all that I've come to understand lately.

Do I love life more now? No idea. Do I love my friends more? Well I always did, but this surely made me call my namesake brother who also drinks like a fish. He does it because he's bored, and for a girl who left him. It's funny. Maybe tomorrow he'll meet someone he loves even more, and he'd want to live for that. But his immunity will shortchange him. It scares me.

All that we do to ourselves in a million impulses, are we really equipped to handle it when it matures into something else. So many things to be sure of in's madness. I don't know which idiot called it a journey of discovery.

I also don't get people who hoard hospitals in times like these to show solidarity. Sure man. But did you even know this person? What's the point of calling all and sundry announcing things in a singalong voice and then taking space from people who really need to heal, because you want to stand up to your idea of being a good person. God, so many years, and basic things are so rare.

Wednesday, July 22

All about kites

I just posted something quite insulting about The Kite Runner on Facebook. Apparently it hurt someone so deeply that he started screaming about how I should read the novel properly and how my pain is my pain?

I didn't get the Kite Runner, mostly because I can't understand or connect with characters that are morally weak, in other words, have no balls. No one thinks of how most books, movies revolve around repulsive people who I would ordinarily loathe to hang out with in real life. Most of these retards are self-obsessed, insensitive, completely moronic and usually, authors will waste 500 pages on their journey of becoming a normal person. In Kite Runner's case, a normal person who starts to stand up for his friends and his honor, do things for his family etc. I don't get it. You waste your entire friggin life being an asshole, even watching your friend/servant/whatever getting raped, making fun of people with less fortunate backgrounds..basically be a prized prick.

Suddenly at the age of 40, you are forced into redeeming circumstances by another man's scheming outlines, whereby you do something that speaks integrity even though you never wanted to get into that scene from the first place, and I'm supposed to weep for you and clap about what a wonderful man you are now? How you have FINALLY lived up to your purpose in life, be a good person. Such bullshit!

Sad part of life is that mostly, these kind of people are the ones who occupy prime roles everywhere. And the ones who do the right thing and don't make a big drama of it are relegated to the confines of minor roles in the bigger picture. I'm not some crazy extremist who talks of moral standards, but basic things, customs that religion doesn't teach you. If you don't follow your instincts in a situation, then you suck as a person.

Obviously I'm quite a girl and emotional at that too, so when I read this book years back, it made me cry. Mostly because of the way Hosseini captured the thawing of the distance between the father and son. Anyway, the moment you can relate a book or movie to your life, it gets you too mush to view it objectively. But now that I read it years later, have no idea how I didn't grasp how pathetic the main character was before. And we are supposed to appreciate this journey of a man with no balls.

I read/watch these kind of inept characters and wonder where is the justice in this world!
I saw some episode of that lameass Salman Khan show where Katrina Kaif was a guest, and is about to gamble playing some question in which she can lose money if she gets it wrong. When she's asked to play safe since the money will be for charity, she's like oh I need to call my director and ask him if he'll send in the money in case I lose here so that I can pay for the charity. Because I'm promoting his movie and no I won't pay from my own pocket. WTF!
I don't know what kind of a fucked up world this is that you can say something so bitchy on national tv and men who haven't sex in weeks will still make you the most searched name on Google.

I remember these friends of mine went on a road trip from Pune to Jaipur and ran out of money on the way. They asked this coconut seller to help them with drink or food, getting all embarrassed about relating their story and were shocked to see when the man didn't hear another word and started slashing coconuts, giving it to them, waving off any more money talks and even shoving some in their hand. And that man had a cart with coconuts and an income of probably 100 bucks per day. And there are millions like him in this world, following their instincts, their gut so that they can sleep easy at night after doing things the best way they know. There are no movies made on them.

This is not to say that Katrina Kaif's braindead movies and slutty touch-me-touch-me dancing show money is more valued success than the assets of a coconut seller in Gujarat, but it makes my pet theory more believable for me.
It's a no brainer as to why I don't pray. If there really was someone up there, he/she has been consistently bad with keeping his part of the bargain. Hell they are worshiping me anyway, so why bother with actually doing something? The permutations & combinations, fairness, equity, financial distribution, simply everything in this world is screwed up like some malfunctioning sarkari office. It's amazing how everyone goes ballistic over an entity that hasn't been doing his job properly for as long as I can remember.


Just saw this ad where this man in a car with cufflinks and fancy shirt gets disgusted at the sight of a sweating young boy on a bicycle at a traffic signal. Yech yech don't get your sweat from the sun near my air-conditioned cocoon. The kid sees the disgust, gets embarrassed, straightens his clothes, looks neater, and smiles to rich uncle. Proclaims gaily that's its just a difference of 2 wheels that he'll make up in a few years. Who is making this bullcrap!

Thursday, June 25

2009 Fuck you

You know what I really really hate. Whiners. I fucking hate whiners. And you know what I hate more than whiners, whiners who have nothing to whine about. And I also hate self-involved super sensitive people who love to discuss their problems, and whatever you tell them they always have a bigger and a more depressing incident to recount. Maybe it pisses me off more because I only crib to myself, or to the mirror and don't see the point of boring people with all that is wrong with my life. If you have any degree of common sense, you would know that no one really gives a shit and most people really want you to hurry up so that they can purge their sad events later. And I'm not talking of bad people, these are traits of nice normal healthy people who all of us know and meet everyday. So let's say that I've taken a lot of shit from my friends. And of every kind. Because even though I've had perennial issues with getting along with most, once I warm up to you, I feel guilty if I don't listen to you recount stories about heart-break over a guy you've met twice, or about how you've been partying four days straight but life is so complicated and difficult for you since you wanted to be a fashion designer after all. Now I may smirk inwards, or mentally pull my hair out, or hold back tears from my voice or my eyes from the phone because something way more serious and crushing happened to me 2 minutes back, I will still hear everything you say and try to cheer you up. There isn't even any reason for me not to tell you my shit, But I just can't! So I will proceed to hear your drone, give you advice, support, fake some smiley sound, and throw around pillows in frustration after that. Why do I do all this lame stuff. I'm so used to it that now the whole 'venting out' process makes me feel naked in front of someone else. I just can't open up like that. But this year has been particularly bad. No wait this year has stank and I know that it's going to get worse. But breaking my self-imposed silence is not going to happen, because few people have guilt issues like I do, or have the ability to make out when your friends need help. I don't know if I'm with the wrong people, I don't know what it is. But now I feel like making a check-list of all that has already gone wrong this year so that I earn the right to whine. Yes, in my world, you need to back up your misery as well.

1. Hmm. Something's that's never happened before which is best not mentioned here.
2. 17 years of education, and I flunked a paper for the first time
3. It's halfway down the year, and I'm still not gainfully employed.
4. I'm living at home. Everyone I know has extended life to cities with no parents.
5. I get constant calls from people I want to avoid who insist on recounting how much fun they all are having. It makes me sick
6. I've lost my camera. Have had it for 4 years now. Not just that, have been losing something or other that's vitally important every other week. Which is bizarre since I have photographic memory and this kind of stuff never happens with me.
7. Final semester, and all the fools in college have scored more than me. Even though I busted my ass and never cheated. I know it fucking makes me sound like a baby who never cheats in exams but I'm so fucking pissed right now that I don't give a shit about how I sound. All that stupid shit about hard work paying off is all bullshit, other things do the job very nicely. And it's crazy how this type who never worked to deserve those grades will proudly or modestly announce them to you. Either way, I have no respect you and it makes me want to curl up in bed for a week.
8. I'm secretly and slowly realizing that maybe I'm not as smart as I thought. THAT IS SCARY SHIT.

Hm. That's all I can remember right now. I hate this year, I hope it gets lost fast. Hopefully with less assholes who feel sorry for themselves calling me up as well. Man this year, if I can survive and help myself without going incognito, it'll be a miracle.

Monday, June 15

Do watch Revolutionary Road if you want to swim in the unhappiness that is life. Apart from the fact that leonardo dicaprio has to be the most endearing thing when he's crying, you just feel like dumping all your craziness and try being a good woman again, the movie really is about Kate Winslet. Or it's not about both of them at all, it's about the story, and the original book that I hope to catch on to soon.
It is definitely not cinematic brilliance, but I don't see how any young person stuck in the corporate mess cannot sink lower while watching this one. It's got everything we all talk about, Paris is the place to be, we will not be the ones to settle down in urban suburbia, planning for a house and kids, then a bigger house and kids. No we will travel and see the world, kids won't tie us down. Because of course, we tried alternate careers when we were younger, she even tried to be an actress. There were things we did to genuinely feel alive, and laughed at that guy who'll go to work at 8 am every morning and so complains of the noise we can't hear.
We all think endlessly of this dream because we all consider ourselves special. Different. Other than the rest, who will not lose themselves in the larger scheme of the world and keep idealism within touching distance. We had progressive political thought, had an opinion on everything, we will surely do something other than just be.
It's all fine till you have time. Because yes, it's on the cards we are going to break away and do something else. We will 'feel' what we are doing all over again. But it's all a lie, isn't it? Because most of us were born simply to forget that phase at one point. Or to really put it at the back-burner and refer to it in drunken conversations with college friends. Because none of us are fucking special. We all are alike, except with some minor changes, the Constitution drafters were not writing it all for nothing. Most accept it and move on, money is the best balm. But there are some who never stopped dreaming or planning for the big escape, it's so real that they can see it. And they can't make peace with the alternate reality. That's when you lose your mind. And those are ones who are freaky, psychotic, insane. That movie is fucking scary.

Wednesday, May 27

Boards Bored

Delhi is so boring in the summer. There's not much you can do. I've been quite vella trying to keep myself,e trying to join things I always wanted to but never could because I was stuck in th city of people with no cool interests Pune, so I call the Delhi Blue Pottery Trust thinking that it'll be quite a breeze because only repressed maniacs like me are into pottering around anyway and the usual Delhi junta will obviously have no patience with such a slow art, but that place has an unbelievable waiting of 6 months for weekend batch. So all of them must be working folks. That's so crazy that I started laughing and told the guy that maybe I should drop in and pay the entire fee and hopefully there'll be place in a week or so, he gave me some artistic speech of how money is not an issue because people are very serious about this anyway and so they'll call me. But if this is so popular, when I tell people about the pottery dream, they just laugh hysterically. I'm obviously in the company of extremely uncultured Punjabi people.

These days there's major renovation at my place so me and brother are sharing a room. up.I've come back after so long, it's quite weird to see his gigantic build (bad because I can't beat him to pulp anymore, a memory he doesn't recall at all now. ha ha) and how he's all grown up, keeps banging his drum sticks in the air to practice his music,listens to Sepulchra, is surgically attached to his phone, and thinks he can do IIT. Wow. Who are these new age kids?

I remember when I was his age, I was already cool because girls mature faster and all that. I was so busy thinking of that cute Bong senior in school and styling my hair and buying new clothes that I completely forgot about exams and anything serious. It didn't help that I took Commerce which I hated. But that time my mom's constant drill about study study, you'll ruin your life, all we have is education, what will you do after school irritated me enough to pick up books for an hour at max, after which I again chilled out in my head and started bouncing to Velvet Underground. And I always hated her for not seeing the point of my life, that I wanted to do much bigger things, that I didn't want my guitar and dance classes cancelled, that I can't function staring at books all day holed up in a room, and that I didn't want to live out the middle class dream of SRCC MBA and then flat by 25 at all.

Somehow I controlled my freespirit in time especially after I had no one to hang out with because simply everyone was studying for the Boards. Which was really good because you never know what a big deal Boards are in this country till you actually give them and screw them up. The day results were about to get out, everyone I knew was hopping mad, with me imagining getting stuck at some horrible college in Delhi where people won't know who Nirvana is and where I won't be able to live out my teenage dream of walking down college in tiny purple shorts, because hey that's how they do it in Sweet Valley High in California.

So miraculously, I didn't fail math and got through LSR and even though I didn't get through Stephens Eng because I didn't get that ridiculously high cut-off, which got me so pissed because no random kid from Modern or whatever could have read more books or wanted to do Eng lit more than I did, but then Indian education system is so fucking warped up that even to study Emma you have to be a nerd who topped in every subject. Though I was Scared shitless at being surrounded by girls all day but I still died in happiness at getting through the college and course I wanted, and then the college ranking made sure that mom didn't have any reason to scream or complain so I was happy that again I can read books, hang out with people of my type, smoke all day, waste time, get away from home etc etc.

Funny thing is even though I rebelled against the typical idea of education, now that I see my younger brother wasting his time all day, not studying, not taking 12th seriously at all since he's too busy planning his birthday bash and how to ask out this girl or that, I see myself turning into my mother! Nagging him to study and tell him jokingly of how he'll completely fuck up his chances in college. Bleh.How I hate being in this country sometimes. Why can't we guys just be the sort of civilization that rejoices at someone actually graduating?
But I know how depressed he's going to be when everyone around him is going to call excitedly with 90 percent and above, when relatives, aunties and everyone you haven't spoken to you in years will call you and stop you on the street to ask your marks, when parents will never let you forget how you did, how your dreams of having fun in a cool college will burst open. So I guess being in India, no matter what these bloody counselors, newspapers, school principals say about changing the education pattern and how something's got to be wrong if people are killing themselves over marks, literally too, but it's all bullshit because nothing will ever change because we'll never figure out a better way. Because these same people will step out and judge you on your marks and that will affect your job, college, everything. It sucks. But that' s life.

So I hope chota bhai kicks real ass. So that he can totally spoil himself for the next 3 years without anyone grudging him his happiness and the supreme right to waste time.