Wednesday, October 29

Amma

I just came back from meeting my extended family for Diwali. We really have such a clean scene, no one drinking or playing cards. If I compare these people to everyone I know in Delhi, they seem like from another planet. It's become intrinsic to lose a lot of money on Diwali via gambling, apparently the more you lose, the more you gain back by Lakshmi luck. Yeah. Right. But festivals are for everyone I guess. I know of plenty of people who'll get deathly bored at my house. Playing cards on Diwali is so 'required' of everyone, I see ashen faces everytime I confess ignorance and deep disinterest in the whole activity. What?? You won't play? WHY Come we'll teach you. I figure I have enough vices to last me for some time, no need to add to the package.
My grandmom has become unrecognizable. She used to be fat like all old women and be so embarrassed of it. Now the skin on her arms is stretched out and hangs, as if there's nothing inside her to support that many layers. I held them up and saw deep scratches on them, from mosquitoes or boredom I don't know, but she knew she was hurting herself and she didn't remember the reason. It's so lifeless to feel her arms, her face. Is there even a person inside that shapeless clothing? She's not aware of anything around her, and everyone pretends as if she doesn't exist. The basic things that are required to make her live through the day are taken care of, but no one really knows what to do beyond that. I don't blame anyone, I know my chacha has done things few sons could even think of. Even if he complains all day over it, he'd be inhuman if he didn't. What can you do with someone who talks in her voice from childhood from the last 4 years. She wails all day, she forgets what I told her 2 minutes back. She once didn't remember her sons. But if you sit with her, you won't feel it. It's close to going back to when I was 3, she tells me fabricated stories about people and places, confusing incidents and histories along the way. She'll make up conversations that never took place and give dialogues befitting her opinion of that person. So if I hear that she met someone yesterday who asked her about my marriage plans or how long will I rot in Pune, I know she thinks it's high time I come back. Patience is easy when you meet someone for five hours. I would be a different person if I had to live in that house. Old age is the most horrible disease. There are many who enjoy and live through it peacefully, and most of them have the perfect partners. Amma had the all the right things in life, if only she had a man who loved her enough through all this, she would be fine one day. I really think all it takes is something sweet in the morning, and before you sleep at night. After so many years, that's all it takes to keep your faith in living through it all. If that doesn't happen, then why would someone not cry all day if it's anyways expected of you by doctors and family alike. I've told my mom that it would be alright if it all is over. I think I'm old enough to know when someone really wants to go through all this. Anyways I'm not the one taking care of her, so it's not a question of burden. But why would I want that woman, who had green sparkling eyes and a luminous face, who used to listen to me bitch about my parents and chuckle, who had an interest in every person in the family and wanted to be a part of every small festivity; be turned into this stranger who impersonates her and breaks out into desperation so that someone will notice how unhappy she is. Everything is so crazy, sometimes your freedom and your life feels so close and real to you that it's euphoric, and there are times when it pulls you down to the worst corners. For all you know, this could be the best place I'll be at.
I hope she sleeps easy for the rest of her nights.

Friday, October 17

I don't want to grow up

I've been vegetating. Even when I take a break these days, I'm still thinking of all the running around in store for the next 6 months. Maybe I just cannot work too hard, been out of touch with it for too long. And the thought of all that effort really scares me. So I'm deluding myself thinking that all I need right now is lots of relaxation and minimum activity, but ho hum, I'm bored of lying in bed all day. Have been in Delhi for 3 days now but haven't let anyone know. What's the point. I don't feel like going out or socializing. Lately, everyone I know in Delhi are just lost connections. I can't relate to most of them, call it late realization or whatever. Except some, every person seems not worth the effort.
It frustrates me to not be satisfied with any city, or any person. I'm going to be in Bombay soon, and will crib about that as well. I just hope it doesn't come to me taking the local. I swear it takes unrealistic drive to take that option. So all I'm thinking of is where all I need to go before I graduate, after all this work is over, after I get a job otherwise I'll be too guilt ridden to go anywhere. Hmm. You never know, maybe I'll be so dejected that I'll just run off for a bit.

mm. Goa. In January. NOT in December
Jaisalmer
Kodaikanal
Gokarna
Maybe Hampi once more. Want to see what it's like season time. Although I get the feeling that I won't be able to squeeze it in this time.
Pondicherry
Ladakh in April
And Krabi

Will definitely cross check this in June. How much will I accomplish in so less time? It almost hurts now. That I won't have so much time to waste ever, or to travel so much more. I can stay awake to watch sunrise and go back to sleep. To know people in their best phases of their life, before money jobs and life takes the joy out of them. No matter what they say, we all will get painted the same way. I miss my dog... he'll always take me to a happier place.

Thursday, October 9

Smoking in Public R.I.P.

I understand that there are bigger issues that are to be dealt with in this country. But we should discuss this smoking ban in great detail. Because banning something as intrinsic as smoking a cigarette, in a country like India, is nothing short of monstrous. I never thought it would happen. I don't know if others around me have been viewing India from a different prism, but I've felt immense freedom in this place. Forget about the bigger picture and all those depressing things you read in the newspapers, but living a normal life in cities here gives you the freedom to do anything you want. And if you need dedication towards any vice, you can depend on India for that. You can pretty much drink anywhere, anytime. Anyone can manage to score anything from any city, why, it only takes a taxi driver to find out these details in 20 minutes. I don't need to give details on the historical presence of smoking in India, all our gods had these swirls around them. Maybe its extra sinful now because of the health drive, but I personally do not know of any man in my home village who doesn't smoke a hookah every evening, and these guys outlast 100 years quite easily. And so do the people around them. Of course I
m not being naive enough to discount the cancer argument altogether. But how much available data remain on origins of cancerous cells anyway? We just have random statement on how the non-existence of this chemical increases your chances of contracting this cancer or that. What about those people who contract stomach cancer at the age of 22? They didn't even live enough to warrant that kind of body desecration.
I think I smoke responsibly. I wouldn't light up when children are around, or when old men are around. Or when someone is really unwell. And most of the people I know follow these basic rules. Because smokers are not unidentified aliens. They are just in possession of a habit that is more socially criminal than yours. I will never understand as to why drinking is so much more accepted by every generation. My dad took me out for my first drink with him when I was 13 or something, and we end up drinking everytime we meet or go out. But even he gives me an endless lecture whenever he smells smoke on me. I can't tell him that like other kids have veered towards getting drunk, I've veered towards this. He won't get it. Apparently my liver is less important than my lungs. I've seen more people die from alcohol abuse, but I'm still encouraged to leave cigarettes by my well-meaning friends, because that's what they have chosen as the safer option. But why should any place set up these unbelievable rules that are clearly infringing my rights? The argument is that my harmful habit affects other people too, so it should be done away with. And drinking does not do that? How many people run over 12 people while overspeeding after smoking cigarettes? Alcohol is what gets you to work late, because of your hangover. Not cigarettes, they actually keep you awake. Too much alcohol also makes you violent, emotional, lecherous, loud and generally too much of an inconvenience. How are these factors not affecting other people?
India has the second highest standing in world malnutrition index. The State doesn't have funds to feed all the children here, inspite of booming production and useless imports because some Minister wants a cut in that deal. The Delhi Police has already stated they are much too busy to waste time on imposing fine on random smokers, what with bombs exploding all over the country with clockwork schedule. How can Ramadoss logically explain the application of this law that clearly does not suit the Indian budget? Does it make any sense to impose another burden on the taxpayer only because this guy wants to get his not-so popular portfolio in the limelight too. Those hungry kids be damned. I'd rather hit against smokers and Bollywood. The media covers that. If he's so concerned about the health of this country's youth, then his ideal mode of action should be to exterminate cigarettes from this country. Ban the manufacturing. Delete them from the system. But they won't do that. As it gives them unimaginable money. So they'll keep on making cigarettes more expensive, and also make it more difficult for people to smoke them. While industries based on this product as well as the people dependent on them for survival will suffer losses, the government can act like the righteous big daddy and also pocket big change in the process.
There are an equal amount of smokers in this country, isn't it a bit too harsh to expect them to climb down floors to smoke while at work? To not allow smoking sections at all in restaurants and clubs? To make them step outside in the sun or bad weather from places that expect you to pay 300 bucks for a coffee plus tax plus VAT? Why the hell should I be so inconvenienced? Can no one see that this whole thing is more than just a plea for a frivolous privilege. The other day some random woman patted me on the shoulder while I was walking on the road, telling me that smoking is now banned. Great. So now all these faceless strangers who always nursed hatred against this 'filthy' habit will collect the balls to give worthless gyaan to other strangers just on the security of this dumb law? Of course I told her to read up the law in detail to know of the exclusion of streets. Thankfully. But how many more? The coffee place close to my house has this bench kind of sitting area that overlooks the traffic on the road wherein you can smoke, from there all the rickshaw wallahs, paan tapri guys, random people in passing cars, people walking, men with ideas about women who smoke can take part in my smoking experience. It leaves such a bad taste in my mouth. It's so insane, it's like an era has come to an end. Maybe we all will get time to get used to it. And then, as it so happens in India, there'll be a jugaad to get around this as well.

.........

Please don't listen to psychedelic music. It can get you arrested. And that is just the good part. See what I mean, no freedom. I'm waiting for the day when India will be like Russia, when psy will be so goddamn common that it'll give competition to dandiya nights. Yay!

..........

After all that is happening around me, it's no wonder I hate going out. It's like your home has become the trippiest and safest place to hang out. That's why I'm moving again in search of something different.

...........

It's really funny to see all these Bongs crying now. Earlier it was oh Mamta didi is such a socialist hero, yes we definitely will hold on to this land and let no one enter. And now it's hogwash like how Durga Pujo celebrations have hit a lull because of the exit of the king of small cars. Modi has again proved his smarts. This just shows that a normal human being will nowadays not even accept something he readily wants without nakhras. And when it's taken away, he'll waste some more newsprint on how unfair it is that his wishes have been answered.

Thursday, September 25

One leg of the placements is over. I still can't believe I actually got in, No, I have no ill-disguised ideas about my genius, but I spoke like such a rabid feminist to a panel of 3 men that it wasn't funny. Yes, Punjabi men kill little girls. Yes, you men are doing all these horrible things. We had it so tough man. There are various ways of female infanticide, strangling underwater being the most popular. I admire Medha Padkar. Really now. That last one is embarrassing, I was also asked about the woman I admire, the answer to that question will NOT be revealed on this blog. It makes me sound like a Miss India finalist. But originality doesn't come easily when you forget how to frame normal sentences out of nervousness.
Hmmm. I never thought I'd be looking out for a job. Not so soon at least. And not to boring as being a lawyer in some firm working 8 to 11. I secretly hoped that I'd give in to my psychotic tendencies and leave my 5 year course midway to do something bizarre. But it never happened. I'm too chicken for an alternative career. The problem is when you don't really know what else you can do? I'm picking out my city of choice like a raffle ticket, it doesn't help that I'll probably have 1 best friend and 4-5 people I steadfastly ignore living there. But when I started this wild chase before coming to Pune, looking at these 5 years now...it all seems well spent. I pretty much got everything that I wanted out of this time in my life. So hopefully things to come won't disappoint.

Che told me that I just need him, and habit is never enough. I don't know how to make him understand. The whole idea of love has been cheapened now, god knows how many people I've been in love with at different points of time. There is no way to know if I value someone for their presence or for who they are. Momentary comfort has always worked for me. But this is permanent. And most of the times, there's nothing comfortable about it. Maybe he'll get it one day. Love is okay, but need is better.

Friday, September 5

No Smoking

I've been talking a lot about this new health directive from October 2 with a feeling of impending doom. My faith in my country has been certifiably smashed to bits. Why aren't there any mass protests over this? Is India really made up of so many non - smokers that no one really gives a damn. Or maybe everyone thinks that this will sink in too like the numerous other rulings. But this wouldn't. This is going to become like how Mumbai cops have so diligently decided to bring every case of drunken driving to book. That makes sense. Blowing smoke in the air and harming others (apparently) is a lot less scandalous than being a bad driver and then heightening your chances of killing people by downing some.
I remember how the clinical feel of Singapore drove me up the wall. And then stupid Dubai. Never would have thought that ANY government would achieve the unbelievable feat of instituting a ban on public smoking in an Arab country. But they did. I think it's all a case of talking too much about a good thing. Never would this happen in India. We respect our people and their brains. Fine, you cannot smoke at airports and railway stations. But this is revolting. Imagine going to Blues, my growing up drinking haunt, and now some cute waiter is going to tell me not to smoke there. Imagine having a great dinner and then you can't light up there. There will be nothing as a smoking section. If I go to yet another cramped club because some commercial friends of mine force me to, I won't be able to chain smoke to ward off my boredom, or frustration or whatever. Now when I meet some new group of people in a new place, I wouldn't be able to smoke to keep myself from feeling awkward. Fuck. Where is the love. And about it being harmful, of course it is. So is alcohol. And a dozen other things. This hypocrisy doesn't sit too well with me. I had a lot of stuff on how smoking (marijuana) is actually less harmful than drinking alcohol, but um, it's not there on this computer and I should really study for my placements. Also, India is such a wonderful country where women are still not allowed to smoke a cigarette in peace without being given the oh god you're an immoral bitch stare. Wonder how much I'll step out on the street to smoke one. I'm so disappointed. I thought we were free. To harm ourselves in whatever way we want.

Monday, August 18

Doob Gai

I finally went to Dubai. Hmmmmm. Obviously the little cultured me had absolutely no interest in going to this industrial nightmare in the middle of an Arabian desert, but my dad planned it so I gave in. Of course I had a great time with family but the place is quite weird. Apart from the fact that I didn't think that the celsius grade scale went above 40, well apparently it does. Because the temperature oscillated between 52 to 56 the whole time I was there. Of course the great thing about being in an oil producing country is that such things will never bother you. The only people you are likely to see on the roads are immigrants anyway, the Filipinos, Indians and Pakistanis. And does anyone know that you get a gallon of petrol for 60 bucks there. Yes, eat that. The obscene number of Landcruisers made more sense to me after knowing this. But its funny how such places never make an impact on you in any possible way. I've never been the staying in the hotel and shopping all day kind of tourist, but that's exactly what I did for 5 days. And shamelessly at that. Yeah, they have some indigenous things like the shisha and deserts. Wow. I'm real sad about not experiencing that.
You meet all these kids from UAE who come to do university in India and the common thread amongst them is the need for filtered water. Of course bastards, you guys don't have ANY water being produced from your country's resources, hence the confusion about bad and good water. And paying for water is so nouveau riche. Only you are not aware of it. But this post is not about mineral water. It's really about nothing in particular but I just feel I should feel up some space.

The women are quite pretty though. That is what I could make out from whatever I could see of them. Ha ha. I don't like going to such places because they seem to expose the hypocrite in me. Like how I held back my smirks whenever I caught a whiff of an Hermes scarp underneath the burqa, or saw the Balenciaga shoes clinking noisily, golden shiny ones at that. But then I told myself that my entire problem with the hijab is that it constricts women and relegates them to a clinical place, then why should I balk at these women prettying themselves so excessively beneath all those black layers. They have high - end designer stores that only make hijab. And you can really look at one of these and know who's more loaded. What's the point of this hypocrisy. Either you decide to live life hiding your power to attract men in any way possible and wear the hijab everywhere, or you just don't wear it altogether. My dad was impressed that most of these women have Anglican accents and have come for vacation after studying in Eton or something. That is even more depressing actually. Because it proves that even high end education and world experience cannot take these people away from this Islamic disease. Of course the only good thing is that their men really do not look at any women. Ever. Funnily, I felt relieved at reaching Bombay airport when some guys offered me a lift in classic romeo fashion, because I really thought I had become ugly almost overnight in Dubai since no one was looking at me!
I know its a different culture and I would probably never understand it. And that's what I'm thankful about. You have to know freedom to realize all that you're missing out. And no amount of Dior and LV bags can fucking top my life. Maybe it's like a balancing act by God. Since they can't wear it, they can afford it. And since I can wear it, I can't afford it. Hmmmm. Must be so much fun to spend 2 lakhs on a Lanvin dress and experience the secret thrill of wearing it under a hijab.
It seems like I hate these women. But I really don't. I wish great things for them. Even if Arab women prefer this life, then I pray for some revolution that'll open their minds that life is much more than just being pretty and using no contraception.

******

I have the most embarrassing secret. It takes 3 hours by cab to reach Pune from Bombay. And I spent the better part of that ride listening to that Aditi song from the Jaane Tu on repeat. I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME. It's only because I can imagine Imran Khan singing that song in front of me. God. A celebrity crush. Me. Don't tell anyone. But he's so cute. If someone knows someone who looks like him and ahem, if he also resembles his character in the movie. Please let me know. Hee hee.

Wednesday, June 4



I never wanted to put personal pictures here. But this is only so that I never forget the day and every detail about it. So it looks like I can give a lot. And I also can't love enough :)

Monday, May 12

Cheese is healthy if carbs are low

Er. Why is everyone on this insane health trip? It disgusts me. This friend of mine wants to be a model so he's given up wheat completely for the next 2 months! That means he doesn't eat bread, roti anything. Of course he claims that he's giving it up only for the next 2 months so that he achieves the perfect drool-worthy stomach, but judging from his past record of obsessiveness, there's no telling how far he'll continue this madness. I like to describe my sinfully unhealthy meals to him in detail so that life becomes unbearable for him. But he's got such ridiculous self control, he likes it if I exaggerate the taste so that he can make his mind stronger. God, that sounds as dumb as Gandhi sleeping with nubile teenagers to check his will power.
But I'm impressed by this incredible stupidity. And I seem to know a lot many of these freaks. Like best friend's brother who came to Pune and wanted the customary darshan. I took him to German Bakery because um..I don't go anywhere else. I know I know it's supposed to be some fruity health place .. they have pita and 'fresh' fruit juice ( balls! )cold coffee with no added sugar..everything made in brown bread. Basically anything you eat there feels like it's just been uprooted from some farm. It sucks. That's why the only thing I've ever had there are croissants and coffee. But that freak, who I thought would certifiably hate that place because of the white trash plus college smack addicts of Pune frequenting that place, he shockingly couldn't stop salivating. He went on to bore my eyeballs out by going on about the health benefits and calorie count of this and that. And then giving added gyaan on my unhealthy diet and why I shouldn't smoke if I ever want to hit the gym. Apparently it cancels out the benefits. Who cares. Who says I want to live till I'm 80. No one wants to be an 80 year old who wasn't 'adventurous' enough to eat butter chicken all her life.

I like people who work out. I like people who do anything I'm incapable of doing. So whenever I'm going for breakfast in the morning after staying awake the whole night, I always smile with guilt watching the purposeful joggers and gymmers. But anything upto a certain limit is good. But not when you don't eat aloo ka paranthas because it's unhealthy. WHAT THE FUCK. Are you Indian or what you goddamn pansy. These people are satisfied with eating bird food all through the day, stuff like cucumber slices and sprouts blah blah. I wonder how much of human working hours get wasted because these retards spend them on preparing meals that take more time and effort owing to them being uber healthy. Like the kind of salads these freaks eat, the effort that takes in procuring these ingredients depresses me. Are you trying to tell me tofu is easily available? These people clearly have a lot of faaltu time to decide on what has minimum damages and then set out to find that and then make an unappetizing meal out of that. I was stuck at that guy's house in Bombay and was starving for lunch. He was happily eating a bowl of sprouts with carrot juice. As if that's food. As if that will give you enough energy to do anything productive. Ya, sweetheart, I eat this only. *insert gay I wanna be a model momeeeee smile* I knew you wouldn't eat this. You're so unhealthy. You'll regret it sweetheart. Er, hell yes I won't eat that you fruitcake. Where is my risotto.
Also this whole thing of how I'll regret it. What exactly will I regret? That I'm having 3 square meals a day. That I'm fighting against urban stress, exams, stupid people, bad weather and am giving myself the required energy to do all that by having proper food. It makes me sad to see this. We all see people everyday who would be thankful for any nutrition, any food. Why are things so twisted that the ones who have the means are just not interested.If you're so health conscious, why don't you donate your wasted food to someone else? But no, they'd rather spend it on personal trainers and one membership because that gym is good and another one because that one has a better pool.Whatever. I guess everyone's entitled to spend their money in whichever way but some things are just too unfair.
Maybe I would think differently if my body required me to work out? I know if I get fat, it'll send me on a religious trip to the gym.
Still, I'm never going to a gym. Only after I'm 30.
My discovery for today is that cheese is very healthy. So I was being a good girl and I didn't even know it. But it doesn't matter if you have bread with it. Hmmm. There goes my dream of living on bread cheese and wine and still look fabulous.

Saturday, May 3

Cyrus

My dad actually wanted me to go to that flower market with him. Somewhere in CP it was, it's like a phool mandi. Am I mad? At 5 in the morning. Nowadays I have to wake up at 6 every morning because OD starts prancing around the room in anticipation. The morbid fear of him crapping in the house, which I know he'll never do, forces me out of bed. I'm amazed. Never in my life have I woken up at 6 for anything.
Um. I realize that I'm not saying anything of importance but I just have to document my life. Hahahaha. So that I remember I woke up for my dog at least, if not for anyone else.
I met my school friends some days back. Mr D is so cute, he actually picked me up and then later dropped me back. I think he sought inspiration from Mr V who used to do this all the time in school because after 8 pm all my driver used to start whining to go back to their wives. But bechara. I sit at home and twiddle my thumbs while he's driving around Delhi after work so that we can hang out for 3 hours. Some of my friends are so brilliant it makes me misty. Other than that, real boring men are hitting on me. But I also haven't seen any interesting men in this city. All of them look like mamma's boys, or metrosexual nightmares, or pinker than me, or boarding school relics. There's no other category. But I think Delhi women have really become much better. Like all of them are so well dressed and pretty and all. I think I should switch.

**

Albert Hoffman passed away. Some dickheads on my Facebook have posted stuff like Albert baba I'll miss you. Yes you dickhead, yehin kasar baaki reh gayi thi. Aur thoda wannabe ho jao. You fucking knew him personally that you so badly miss him? Such bullshit all over, I feel bad that a great scientist passed away. He's given a lot of people a third perspective, even if it happened accidentally.

***


Have been listening to such music lately, hmmm, I need a break from the darkness. I downloaded this because I like the name Ananda for a man, and of course he's Uday Shankar's son. What an album. Usually I don't rely on best of compilations but since I don't know anything about him thought this would be a good place to start. Wanted to listen to something on the lines of a sitar, but already have most of the Ravi Shankar albums. This is horribly underrated. Bhaiyo aur beheno, please check it out.
And yes, if you've already heard this and like it. Please. Meet me. Let's go for a drink.

Monday, April 21

Sax Hotel

The whole idea of people taking up a hotel room to just do it revolts me. Of course the things that make me want to barf, are the things I've shamelessly indulged in. Maybe I was too stupid then. Or maybe I didn't have a spine to say no, I find it conclusively loser-ish.
Met my friends who are planning to get something fancy since both of them are not from Delhi and hence the idea seems romantic. Now these guys are the most wonderful people alive so I'm going to exclude them from my bias. But lots of people seem to do it. I'm not concerned with people who pay for it and so need an arrangement like that. But these lovey dovey I'm-so-into-you couples. How do they manage? Maybe deep down I have the sexual independence of some Pooja type character. I for one know that it made me feel incredibly uncomfortable. It also made me feel whore-ish( is that a word? um) Since the guy is paying for something ridiculously expensive, the agenda for the night weighs down on you. And the stress...usually at moments like these, I clam up. Those are the precise nights when my body gets cold. Maybe I haven't grown up enough to treat sex like shopping. You need shoes and you step out with the purpose of buying them. If you do step out with that intention, there is no love lost if you fail to like something worth buying. But of course the man would consider it imperative to let you know that the night or rather time till check out is wasted on a girl like you. Hmmm. This reads so ugly. Maybe I've been with the wrong men. But that's my experience. I haven't been lucky enough to be with a man who spends 16 grand for Hyatt just for the lavender sheets and bathroom big enough to play golf in, and order fondue and watch tv. Why don't people ever want to do that? Or perhaps they do and I don't know it because I attract animals. They do that when you're at home. Or on ordinary days. But hotel rooms are calendar days.
Is it that people step on duvets and feel instantly horny. What kind of a sex life is that. The vision I get is of people who read stuff like how to make your relationship more alive by unraveling your bedroom vixen. All women magazines have this crap. Haven't read any men stuff other than Maxim, ONLY because they are sometimes so rude that it's brilliant. But I never stuff like that for women. How to be a tiger in bed and make her forget PMS or something. Why is the responsibility of being randy enforced on women? Nowadays all these metrosexual I feel-for-you-baby sort of men are deeply committed to their theory of women being ghastly at giving blowjobs. Ok, point taken. But how many of these bed wonders admit to their unskilled attempts at pleasing women? Most women crib about the man not knowing the point between it's working good and it's plain hurting. Most men think a woman is slutty or easy when she screams too much. Most men think that it's an unthinkable idea if he goes down on you and you don't feel like returning it just for a change. It's a barter. Now it's about equality. But earlier we got shortchanged and no one was keeping count then. All this sexual politics. No wonder I've been off sex since dinosaur years. Who exactly is good enough for me to forget this conditioning?

Yuck. Now I'm a female blogger who's writing about sex. Maybe now finally I'll reach the annals of blogosphere Page 3. Wow. Maybe I should make a habit of this and then some one will ask me to write a book as well.

Sunday, April 13

Doggie trail

Why are Indians so horribly uncivilized on airports? They seem to be bearable in buses, even trains..maybe I'm biased towards trains because you sort of expect it to be a battle so any kind of behaviour fails to match up to your exaggerated expectations. But airports is another thing altogether. I'm so royally ticked off that I might just give up traveling by air altogether. Till the time I can afford to fly business class and consequently, won't have to bother with the sabzi mandi bullshit. Now Delhi crowd can't get better than the kind that's on business hours Jet or Kingfisher flights. So all these crew cut yuppies carry bulky laptop bags, always have a carefully cultivated look of being busy, and wear ugly shirts with ugly shoes. We know that all of them are probably flying on business with the company footing the bill and so, financially comfortable. Or there are huge gay Delhi families, aunties with daughters and chachas to take care of the women folk. Now why do people like me so wary of traveling with families? I'm not some gift from above, have a family too. And we travel too. But we aren't lucky or gay enough to have 15 assorted members on a same flight. How can that be possible? How can 15 people be required for anything at one point of time? Except perhaps marriages.
So my point is that all these people are literate good family type earning well people. But5 there are some traits that won't escape them...

1. So maybe the check in desk is going to shut but it doesn't matter because you have your boarding pass anyway. So you pass through security check and are so flustered by the fact that you'll miss your flight that you bang into the woman in front of you, hand over your ticket and run towards the aircraft. In the course of which that bitch had no time to apologize...of course not sirreee, because she's so busy. Busy enough to make another phone call before actually getting on to the flight.

2. Indians and phones. sigh...the way they fit together. Now as soon as the plane lands, everyone is going to remove their seat belt and switch on their phones. While the seat belt sign is on. While the plane is still moving. The whole problem with these retards is this urgent need for being important. Like we have people waiting for us outside and they are illiterate sods who can't possible inquire flight details from airport crew...no no. We PERSONALLY have to call mummy, wife, driver, associate that yes I have landed and the plane is going to halt now and I just have to collect my baggage now. WTF!!!! It's a small thing but it burns my blood. Everyone has an emotional fear of being faaltu in India. What's the big deal if no one calls you? What is the whole idea of talking to someone on the phone as soon as you land even if no one is actually picking you up and you'll hail a cab anyway. Are these people fused with burnt brain nerves...

3. As soon as the plane halts, everyone will get up. EveryFUCKINGone. They'll stand in the aisles and take out their top baggage. If you're sitting in between someone, the chut on your right would want to give you an incredulous look because you refuse to conform to this ridiculous herd mentality, and then hurriedly ask you to give him way. So that he can take his bag from top and then stand on your near, very near left. Towards the aisle...right on top of your fucking head. And everyone is going to stand like that, sometimes for 15 minutes because everyone knows that it usually takes that much time for the runway to get installed. But they'll stand anyway.

4. If 5 people are traveling together, all of them will hog the baggage claim. So you have thousands of people hovering over the line, with their fucking servants and trolleys in tow. Why can't you put your trolley at the back of the line, take your goddamn bags and then put it on? What is the idea behind blocking the way for everyone else. And if you see your bag from the back of all these 6ft3 chuts, you can shout to be excused, which they'll comprehend after 5 minutes. By then the bag has moved on..then you run with it. Spot some 2 inch space in the front and scream aloud to be given way. While you're lugging your 20 kilo ka bag on your own because c'monnn how can you claim women equality and all that and then expect people to pick your bags after you, then some man comes right behind you to look at his luggage. While he can fucking see that I'm taking my stuff out, he still DOES IT. And then you scream...and declare him to be a motherfucker. Aaaah....Welcome to Delhi no.


Um. Why is this post called so? There's nothing like walking away from your dog's sad brown eyes while leaving...he knows, you know he knows. It kills me.

Thursday, February 21

Where next..

Have been awake all night and like a fool, am now thinking all the wrong things. Like how exams are getting quite close and how I'll have to hunt around for an internship in about 2 months. And again I'll have to battle Delhi roads morning and evening, actually driving a car, something that seems like such a chore when I'm in Pune... and this ride being supplemented amply in misery quotient due to self not knowing which road leads where. Fuck. And will my new boss like me. You know, have noticed this disturbing trend wherein none of the places I've worked at have really liked me. Sure there was this one office where lots of people liked but that was only because we tanked up a lot after work. And another place where this guy liked me but only because he was looking for a gurrrlfriend. Why he thought I'll even deign to look at him beats me. But really, like the cream of the corporate culture doesn't like me. Apparently I seem too casual or aggressive, both unwanted qualities. And I also take too many cigarette breaks. And not having a dick and all that, the more you smoke, the sluttier you are.
Man. Not like these revelations don't give me unnecessary tension. But earlier I would be so charged up with the idea of interning now it's all like zilch. I'm just hating the idea of work because it's conflicting with my manali plans. And Manali I will so do this time as it's getting real embarrassing to tell people that I've never been there. It's really too far from Pune. And when I have money, it makes sense to get somewhere faster, like Goa. Not like I'm bored of Goa but I've just got to go north. Will be fun.. getting lost, not where how to score, where it's safe to smoke...nice.
So bottomline is that I just don't feel like interning this time. But cribbing also makes zero sense as I will just not go on some trip without doing any work. I'll have such massive guilt trips...hmmm...can only imagine how terrifying they'll be..

....

We are shifting into a new place hence crunched for money as Pune brokers are confirmed chuts. So there's a real scarcity of maal. Like we are actually discouraging each other not to score. Also the little thing of exams getting closer. I can smoke and go for an exam but not hit the books while smoking. It makes you too sleepy to give a flying fuck about Evidence.
But we are still smoking. From friends and small scoring from shady bad maal places. But it's just not enough for me to abuse it.
Recent trip to Boombay has confirmed my allaying suspicions that all Bombay smokers are fucking twats. They always have maal when you are not in their vicinity, very suspicious behaviour. And whenever you land up in their city, it's apparently dry season ( fuck, when is it ever wet. Been 1995 since I heard of some good stuff in that shithole), or they've lost touch with the peddler who just happens to put out anything under the sun in other good days. Balls I say!
If you don't smoke enough, why can't you just fucking say it. Now fuckwits have been showing off about every shit possible, this will get added to the list too?
Totally believe that these chuts have totally fucked the vibes by doing their oh-I-just-got-this-nice-cream and c'mon guys let's get together with bees hazaar ka dj kit and send Skazi crying back to Israel. Why don't they just shut up!
Are Bombay people ever smoking anything other than Manali? And they have some crazy story of someone scoring some crazy shit from a narco, or someone else taking thirty acid or something and really tripping their balls out. If you had the fucking mental strength to handle that much acid you motherfucker, you wouldn't be sitting in front of me pissing me off like few other people have. Why can't you just shut up and pass the smoke and listen to the music? Like really, you're the next Goa Gil and fucking naga sadhus are seeking appointments to smoke a chillum with you, but just shut up ok. So bad man. This whole competition mentality. I wish all of them just disappear.

......

Have a lot of things planned for this year. Man hope everything works out well, apparently my best years are getting over so I hereby declare to go out with a bang.

.....

These cops are making me nervous. I think all of us look suspicious. Then how the hell will we manage to get out stuff from the hills. It really baffles me, just heard of this trick, will probably try that. But just the planning and everything, makes me nervous. I guess trains don't get checked at all hmmmm..how can they check so many people? And so much luggage? Cops have so much free time man. What are these gentlemen doing when women are getting raped hailing a cab or something. Money makes the world go round my friend.

......

I really wanted to write a scathing analysis on this whole Raj Thackeray episode. But it's gotten old now and I forgot a lot of the points and am also not that pissed anymore. Met this UP taxi guy in Boombay and when he can look at the situation logically being the one getting hammered on the streets, I suppose I can too stop resorting to extremist political ideas formulated in the comfortable cocoon of my bed. Why are urban people like us so full of it? So many theories, so many political bracket. Why, the paan waala next door is smarter than us. Smarter than you that is. Not me. Hahahaha

Thursday, January 17

Goa goa goa goa..shut up!

So I'm trying to meander through the grassy pathways that makes my favorite place. Although no one can convince me to walk through a leafy doubtfully snake-infected way like this usually, but for some spots I try to make my brain think otherwise. Even though in my altered state of consciousness, looming visions of snakes griping at my bare legs through the gaps are frequent, I still push it away. I'm thinking Oh I'm so happy, no one irritating is with me right now and I have something planned. Those lamps are pretty, should ask where to buy them. Why do these people sell EVERYWHERE? Who buys anything here? It's the same shit everywhere...this stuff looks especially old. She's standing in some muddy tatters..her hair is stringy. Do you want this? No. My eyes are saying it. But they are fixed the other side. Do you want this? You know how cheap it is? Now it's just the lamps and lost eyes. It's cheaper than us. I walk on. Gotta do something stronger. Something like this follows you. To remind you of something. I wonder what