Bell Jar

I think often on how much it would take to understand some people. To be around them and hold their hand through everything while you're losing your mind in secret. To understand all that they say without ever posing your own thoughts. Fighting for their rights until you go hoarse. Explaining...explaining...all that you could have made better. The empathy that was still wanting. The left-overs of your wishful suicide while you're busy mending someone up. And then...you're just in that rut forever...
Now you're built up in his mind, as the protector. As the one who'll take me out of the blaze because it's the usual. The one who'll be scalded because she's strong enough. Because by now she's ceased to exist for herself.
I'm so very tired now...with the voices in my head which are never let out..all the time I lost which could have been for me ... all that could have taken me out of this ... with too many people as strangers .. and watching your mistakes backwards till it blasts you in the face ...and nowhere to fuckin go ... and hide till you see nothing moving ... no one hungry ... and begging ... to cut out your piece to feed it to him...
Imagining no people.. no wanting eyes .. hands ... words ...
Maybe now there will be freedom ... to feed herself.