Monday, June 11

I need to get out of this shit-hole fast. Like on the double pronto run with all you got kind of fast.I should probably have a separate blog just about my parents. Hmmm.I have really thought about it.. there's enough crap to last upwards of about 1000 posts per month. Anyways so mom is again having one of her shitty days and there's no one else around other than her dumb daughter so let's screw up her week right about now. Now I've been unwell for a week and as it is don't bother about her much. That's what the scene at 'home' is like.. we try to stay out of each other's way. Because none of us can communicate on a seemingly affectionate or even civil level to each other anymore, so we just ponder on stuff like UP elections or something more crucial. It's so much better to talk to my dad, he's much better at this superficial stuff. And he always shuts up when I start shouting. So it never gets out of hand. It's just go-fuck-yourself-first silence. But he's not around during the summer so I'm stuck with this bullshit alone.
Like every summer I thought I'll work, socialise, crash late and basically fuck out of this blasted city before too much damage takes place. But nooooooo sirreee....that never happens. So I'm the only one who gets calls from people screaming because they are effing bored. And they want you around so that they can hit you like they did in school. And you come back thinking maybe it'll have cooled down by now.. but there she is, waiting for me. Waiting to fuck my head with all the crap she's been thinking of all day. And interestingly, absolutely nothing she'll say is going to be about 'her'. It's going to be about me. About how I should just get out of her life and stop siding with 'him' and that she's had it with people scheming against her happiness. This drivel used to scare the wits out of me in school. I used to cry and think oh I'm such a bad person, My mother hates me and this doesn't happen to any of my gifting-cards-on-Mother's-Day friends. But this is like a joke now. So obviously I walk out on her and put on my music. While she bangs on it for half an hour and then calls him to abuse him. He doesn't pick up.
And we are so fucking normal. Tomorrow I'll go and research on torture in Uzbekistan. While she's have a bloody kitty party in Gk and talk about some new variety of curtains all the way from Bali. And I'm writing this with Jack Johnson asking some girl to eat his banana pancakes and to pretend that it's the weekend. WTF???!!
It was so much easier when you blamed yourself for all this. When all they say defines your opinion about yourself. But I've grown up now and see myself in seclusion from nights such as these. No I'm not a whore because I was watching a transexual documentary on Discovery. But now it just sucks. But now we know this and it's too much anger. Too much anger at having to tolerate situations because you still want to help people who are too chickenshit to ask for help with love. So I'm in my room trembling because I'm angry enough to kill a dog. And she's crying in her room wishing she was in 1984. And jack johnson is still playing....

11 comments:

moonstruck maniac said...

slow down people, you are moving too fast.. ring a bell? makes some sense?
chin up girl, and though I'd say more, not the right place somehow.
morrison?
"Too much anger at having to tolerate situations because you still want to help people who are too chickenshit to ask for help with love"
Yes, that is terrible for sure. i wonder, are we using the right words to communicate the right message!

whitelight said...

Transsexual docu?! Nat Geo has a programme on amazing sex lives/techniques of animals. Basically how they fuck around. Very informative that is. Late nights.

hehe

whitelight said...

btw, if you happen to d'load Icky Thump, you'll find a track missing. i left it out while uploading on mediafire. max limit 100mb. track's nothing great.

amalgam said...

'Too much anger at having to tolerate situations because you still want to help people who are too chickenshit to ask for help with love'... it sometimes is the hardest to ask for help from your closest one, especially when, although once upon a time, you have been the 'supposed caregiver'. its not as much as a matter of ego but a saddening disappointment with oneself when you see your kins lacking the realisation of ur need. its okay to be angry about it because it still puts you in control of the matter. the minute you ask for help there's always a ghastly fear of being faced the empty space where love once lived.
sometimes help needs to be enforced for the ones who are burried by their misfortune to pull them out inspite of their comfort with their own misery.

The Dude said...

to begin with i jsut want to say i really like jack johnsons music...
that said - in the words of one christopher titus, "it seems, because of every syndrome and disorder we've invented in the last 20 years, the LA time reported that 63% of families are now considered dysfunctional, my god! That means we're the majority, we're normal!"
so be cool, dont stress, trust me youre not alone in domestic madness sweetie...
personally, ignoring the pointless fights and all is the best thing you could do... you cant change the past and making the future miserable serves no purpose.
Cheers...

clit.chatting said...

Hmmm. Parents. Are we the product of them and what they made us? How much of us, is, us? And how much is them? Are they what they became or what they were made? My mother had me when i was her age, i was 3 by the time she was 28. And if she thought and dreamt of any of the things I dream of... then I cringe, in guilt, that I took those years away from her. But then. Did I, you, me, someone else, ASK to be born?

Electric Shaman said...

hows your throat?

Ricercar said...

Hey Babes ... Check out some music I posted :)

Isha said...

ur lyf seems petty avg pretty standard ... diffuse da anger :)

utopia said...

think you should just get out of home. there is a world waiting out there without these shackles of domesticity.

LostLittleGirl said...

Thank you everyone (dude,moonstuck,clit)..for all that you said. Tequila shots for everybody!!
And Isha..If you were capable of writing legible English, I would have bothered to comment on the drivel you posted in here. But since you're too retarded for that, honey, get off this page and don't come here again.
Sweetly yours...