I need to get out of this shit-hole fast. Like on the double pronto run with all you got kind of fast.I should probably have a separate blog just about my parents. Hmmm.I have really thought about it.. there's enough crap to last upwards of about 1000 posts per month. Anyways so mom is again having one of her shitty days and there's no one else around other than her dumb daughter so let's screw up her week right about now. Now I've been unwell for a week and as it is don't bother about her much. That's what the scene at 'home' is like.. we try to stay out of each other's way. Because none of us can communicate on a seemingly affectionate or even civil level to each other anymore, so we just ponder on stuff like UP elections or something more crucial. It's so much better to talk to my dad, he's much better at this superficial stuff. And he always shuts up when I start shouting. So it never gets out of hand. It's just go-fuck-yourself-first silence. But he's not around during the summer so I'm stuck with this bullshit alone.
Like every summer I thought I'll work, socialise, crash late and basically fuck out of this blasted city before too much damage takes place. But nooooooo sirreee....that never happens. So I'm the only one who gets calls from people screaming because they are effing bored. And they want you around so that they can hit you like they did in school. And you come back thinking maybe it'll have cooled down by now.. but there she is, waiting for me. Waiting to fuck my head with all the crap she's been thinking of all day. And interestingly, absolutely nothing she'll say is going to be about 'her'. It's going to be about me. About how I should just get out of her life and stop siding with 'him' and that she's had it with people scheming against her happiness. This drivel used to scare the wits out of me in school. I used to cry and think oh I'm such a bad person, My mother hates me and this doesn't happen to any of my gifting-cards-on-Mother's-Day friends. But this is like a joke now. So obviously I walk out on her and put on my music. While she bangs on it for half an hour and then calls him to abuse him. He doesn't pick up.
And we are so fucking normal. Tomorrow I'll go and research on torture in Uzbekistan. While she's have a bloody kitty party in Gk and talk about some new variety of curtains all the way from Bali. And I'm writing this with Jack Johnson asking some girl to eat his banana pancakes and to pretend that it's the weekend. WTF???!!
It was so much easier when you blamed yourself for all this. When all they say defines your opinion about yourself. But I've grown up now and see myself in seclusion from nights such as these. No I'm not a whore because I was watching a transexual documentary on Discovery. But now it just sucks. But now we know this and it's too much anger. Too much anger at having to tolerate situations because you still want to help people who are too chickenshit to ask for help with love. So I'm in my room trembling because I'm angry enough to kill a dog. And she's crying in her room wishing she was in 1984. And jack johnson is still playing....