Monday, April 13
Aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh. What can I say at a time like this? Where exactly is this Khooni Darwaza in delhi? Is it true that you can scream your lungs out there and no one will be around to witness it. I need something like that right now. Place to scream it out, no one to ask questions. There is reason as to why I don't discuss my predicament with anyone else. Most people must be like, big deal dude, college got over. Why can't she get over it. But they didn't live life like I did. They didn't have a vision in front of them before they practically ran away from home, and met people and situations that helped me live that vision. You think that you could do so much, if only those barricades disappear. And I did all that. Lived life the way I imagined it 4 years back, from my room in Delhi blasting NIN. Now is a completely different situation.
Like before, the new plans haven't exactly worked out. I find myself in Delhi once again. No offense, I really love this city but it's so difficult for me to live here. There are so many reasons behind it and I always knew that it would be a challenge, now I'm living it out. The job scene is so horribly slow and non-productive, nothing in Bombay seems possible as of now. Looks like I'll have to make do with whatever I get over the next few months and slug it out for a year in this city. Of course graduating during recession should give me enough common sense to do away with long-term plans altogether, but so much shit still didn't stop from visualizing a way out of this in another year. Another year.
I think of the people I've left behind, and then I see how disattached I feel from my current life. To meet someone for an hour, you need to work out 2 hours around it. Everyone needs a concrete plan. Everyone just drinks. My mom tells me that Delhi life is different, forget your Pune freedom, here you have to watch out. My dad gets pissed if I get uncommunicative. He thinks I'm only concerned about my friends..he doesn't know the times when I vegged in my room for days and didn't speak to anyone. That was normal, I had made peace with my anti-social personality...now how will I undo all my work? Delhi is still the same....disconnected, chaotic, claustrophobic. My new-found low confidence doesn't let me appreciate anything or anyone. I deliberately exist without a number because I want to avoid 'are you back in town' calls. Anyways the only people worth knowing in this city have already left town.
It's hard to say good-bye. I always used to pride myself on never being home-sick, Now I get what it means. Though it's not a place I'm attached to, or the people...a part of both figure into the larger picture. It's who I become when I step onto a place. The energy and the optimism that makes sense, but no other place can invoke that spirit. How it feels to be me. And it doesn't matter if there aren't enough people to accept that.
Maybe things will change and Delhi will surprise me. For now, an era has ended. When I see pictures, I look so grown up. I can finally talk in terms of 'oh that happened 4 years back'. Haha. I was the only one who didn't cry when everyone was bawling their eyes out. Now that I'm home, I get misty-eyed eating dinner. The finality still evades me, that's why I cut my hair. I heard that women do that in defining moments in their life. Never had the balls to do that before, so I guess now I'm so comfortable in my skin that it makes perfect sense to ignore everyone's advice and go ahead with it. Slowly and subtly, things around me are undergoing change. My initial acceptance is mechanical, I do wait for the time when it wouldn't feel I stepped in someone else's house and look for gates to get out of it...