Friday, August 17

Cosmo says..

Cosmo says that single women in prime years of their youth are usually depressed and working too hard, hence they feel an emotional void in their bodies. This they compensate by having way too much food. Now I believe Cosmo. Cosmo's my Bible. Because it's finally happening! Life lately is just about food. I need something when I wake up, then I storm around the house making appropriate noises so that the cook gets the 'be quick' message clearly, then for dinner I eat more than what the 2 men in my house eat, and then I fix another dinner, not a 'snack' darlings, while I'm awake at night. And then at times like these, I wait for the Bakery to open which is at 6 30. Fuck. I have never ever eaten so much. Do I have an emotional void??? Barrrrfff. There could be some truth in this argument. No matter how much I try to convince myself that this is all because I don't eat lunch and do so much running around the whole day, such as sitting on my ass and watching sit coms on the laptop, it still feels weird.
Now I can proudly say that I have never asked a man if I look fat in this or that. But I think it's time. Because very soon, I'm going to get very fat. I can see it happening. This girl I knew used to make fun of fat people and then she just bloated up. Now I don't exactly make fun of fat people, but if someone has pissed me off and they are fat, then I won't let him/her forget their body proportions for the next 2 months. Oh god I'm cursed.
Or maybe I just feel hungry because there's usually no food in the house. Now flat mate No 2 drinks every night and hence needs company. So he calls some dumb bakra types to entertain him and those chuts finish off the food. And I wake up to see nothing in the fridge. I do admit it pisses me off but flat mate No 2 is such an easy going guy that it almost feels criminal to lay down my wrath on his simple forms of after dusk pleasures. Now earlier I had it real good because my ex used to rush to the Station freezing his balls off on the trusted Enfield. Now even he's useless because honey, since we aren't doing it anymore, what's the point of all these slave-like errand jobs right? Yes right!
Hmmmmm. Now it doesn't worry me that I'll get fat because it's genetic. I'll be thin forever. But hypothetically, if the laws of genetics tilt against my favour, I'll get fat and ugly by the time I'm 30. And Cosmo also says that women reach their sexual prime when they hit 30. So that means that I won't be my usual aloof I-don't-need-men-and-sex-to-invade-my-space person. So all the people and situations at my rejection table right now will com back to bite me in the ass. Because no one likes a fat and frustrated 30 year old woman unless you're legally supposed to by the laws of matrimony. This sucks. And my personal life experience has taught me if you reject something once, you always want it later and then you don't get it. Always. So this is so going to happen and my life is doomed. But look at the bright side. By that time I'll be rich enough to have waffles and cones everyday for breakfast and can be fat in style.

So cool. The Bakery opens in another 45 minutes....

12 comments:

bobo said...

it'd be trite of me to ask you to forget men and switch to sea cucumbers, wouldn't it? :P

Renovatio said...

Fat in style... I like that. Then again maybe you have an off the charts metabolic rate like yours truly... I can go through a chicken and a half (butter/tandoori) in a single sitting, along with four naans, a whole daal makhani and some rice, and I don't put on weight. It's frustrating at times.

Ricercar said...

a little hello from day after tomorrow ... lol ... yes at 32 I am 'there' :D

utopia said...

heheheh! darn u r blessed with a thin constitution. wish i was too. put on weight at the drop of a hat. sigh!

life_as_a_box said...

Trust me, we should undergo a metabolism-switch thing. I really think it would benefit us both. ;p

And you do know you're mental right? A killer bit of writing. Your blog's fast becoming my evening-chai companion. :) I like.

jerry said...

oh lord, naa I don't think you'll be ever that fat. but well dont eat that much. and yes, dont believe in Cosmo! :)

xyz said...

Hullo! All good? Dont you worry about food; this too shall pass. Hmmmm.. Cosmo, that glossy necessary evil. "Beside Astrologer", apparently. Barrrrfff!

Sayak said...

Ok we both know you're not working too hard. And filling up emotional voids with food is like filling a punctured tyre with fat liposuctioned out of Adan Sami's butt... it's an absurd and completely preposterous notion. What is an 'emotional void' anyway? An emotion that was there but isn't there any more? Or lack of emotion? And how does one get emotional about lack of emotion? Aaaaaaaaaargh! Cosmo is pseudo-intellectual bullshit written by dime-a-minute psychologists and completely fake-o 'life coaches'. You eat because you feel hungry... you know some people like to eat. That's it. And for god's sake you're not fat!

Renovatio said...

Filling voids with food is perfectly fine, I just gorged on some single-egg-double-mutton kathis with hazlenut cold coffee from depauls at The Kathi's. Damn good stuff. Now write. Anything, even how much you've gorged on since you last posted. Pwease? :(

The Dude said...

i have to say, theres nothing wrong with being a food lover! good food is one of the joys of life, one that you can do with company or alone..
dont waste it by making it a crutch if youre feeling down though, thats bad, like doing heroin when youre depressed... bad news!!
but i wouldnt really stress on it if i was you, just be cool, figure out some stuff to do to fill the time and eat as frequently as you are, just a smaller quantity if that makes you feel better.
And for the love of god, pls, pls dont take your cues from cosmo! ive thought of you as an intelligent and deep person since i first read your blog, dont make me change that impression!! ;)

LostLittleGirl said...

bobo: I have such conventional tastes...*sigh*

renovatio: Yes, yes, like a bottomless pit. I do know what you mean

ricercar: ha ha..

utopia: See that's what I'm not too sure of anymore

life as a box: Thunks! And your metabolism is non-existent.

jerry: :)

xyz:ha ha. No astrologer for me. Only Cosmo. Only. Only.

sayak: hee hee. See I know I'm not fat and am not filling in any emotional voids too. My virgin attempt at chick-lit has resulted in everyone believing all that I said!

dude: Hmmmm. It was supposed to be an early morning talking to myself in a strictly girlfriend-like way. And I swear I do not actually read or follow Cosmo. Please please ..believe me! ha ha

The Dude said...

ah-so... an early, girly rant... didnt catch that, my bad!
:D
its good to know you arent a 'cosmo is my bible' kinda girl, we need less of those! haha ;D
cheers..