Thursday, October 25

Bluesy

THIS is why Delhi is all wrong for me. The moment I step in here, all that I had planned against, starts happening mysteriously. It's been 3 years that I've changed my number 6 times. I can give you long sermons on which connection is really the best. In which city. And all this to avoid some person who is definitely not the kind to barrage my privacy with incessant phone calls. Then why do I do it? Just like other idiots who are kidding themselves in this 'modern' world with our ideas of self-imposed private sanctums, I also think that I have the right to disappear from everyone's eyes. And no matter how you delude yourself, switching off your phone is the closest you come to it. Earlier I used to get a thrill after switching it off. It's so pathetic to belong to this generation, where this goddamn gadget is like a fucking albatross around your neck. Oooh look no one can call me so now I'm roaming around naked in maroon robe type. Anyways, so if he doesn't fit into the classic 'stalker' category, it still keeps me sane to be away from him. If I can't hear his voice, and he can't hear mine in any possible way, then everything goes well. Of course I'm bored and everyone seems daft but I'm calm.
And here I am..stupidly staring at this 2 kilo ka phone and that message. How can people just write some tripe after 2 years of seeing you last, in extremely testing circumstances, and make you feel as if you never left off? Nooo, actually it's just him who's capable of such Bollywoodism. The familiarity of this whole exchange with this man makes me hurl. But what's worse is how I lack any semblance of a spine in asking him to fuck off. Did I just agree to meet him? In a week I think. What am I thinking! At least I managed to lay off the 'let's take a holiday together to sort out what we want' plan. It's so sad. Usually I think I'm pretty smart with men, but here, I'm like a fucking Barbie. I KNOW it's all bullshit. I had this shrink who told me that I'm attracted to him because of the lack of a father figure in my life. I knew that long ago. Before that 1000 bucks an hour shrink.
So I'm not going to do it. It'll be interesting to watch how I will manage to NOT sleep with him. And how I will manage to meet him without flashbacks at the trillionth speed. And no, I will not think of interesting places to do it. And no, I will not dwell on a no-strings attached arrangement, because that only works when you're not the one who's Barbie. Watch watch watch.
Just want to watch as to when I'll swim over this chapter in my life. 4 years back I gave it 2 years. Jesus. Maybe people are drawn to particular ex relationships because no one has been able to top them, yet. Yes, it's the only theory that makes sense. So maybe I should not be wary of relationships and actually look for someone, and then walk with him to this ex and then slap him for not being good enough. Because I've found what's good enough. Hmmmmmm. The sheer idiocy...
It's funny how I want to slap so many assorted people. Not all of them have been bad to me. Sometimes I just do. It's such a nice way to end things. Because of the shock value, you are not forced to tolerate those people for too long. Just today I slapped someone for touching me. After a long time. Phataaak.

4 comments:

The Dude said...

hey im back in delhi too! small world..
the ups and downs of lifes eternal circus are most amusing arent they?
lemme just say that i agree with you about the cellphones.. theres a very loooong list of things i would change about this generation (most people are offended cos i am a part of it myself) but the cellphone and the obsession with it is the thing that pisses of and sometimes scares me the most.. title like 1984 and Enemy of the state come to mind, among others...
I guess theres a few of us still around who feel the need to have privacy and arent willing to give it up for things like security, etc which cant be guaranteed either way.
we should all look at the US and be afraid of where we're headed!
as far as your beau goes... cant help much there, youre right again though that theres certain folks we cant seem to disentagle ourselves fully from.. just try to be cool and dont get dragged back to the same place.. see what happens and try to stay above it.
all the best..
cheers!

LostLittleGirl said...

Hello! You seem to be moving around as much as I do :)
Yes, I know it grates when people like us sermonize on to others of all that is wrong with our generation, but that's the price you pay for being smarter aight? lol. 1984..it's so happening. Iran..and then it's all out. I haven't spoken to him since then. breathe in..breathe out..ha ha. Cheers!

moonstruck maniac said...

try saying "one tight slapppppp!!!""" befoer you go phtaaak. delhi does not work for me in a lot of ways but then...
this cellphone thing is too much to handle at times. I am glad that in this city, not many people can bug me using the cellphone.
It is so strange that before there was a cellphone, orkut or even a facebook, i was able to communicate with people much better than I do now. Why don't people get this? Or is there some problem with me only, I guess!?!

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