Bluesy

THIS is why Delhi is all wrong for me. The moment I step in here, all that I had planned against, starts happening mysteriously. It's been 3 years that I've changed my number 6 times. I can give you long sermons on which connection is really the best. In which city. And all this to avoid some person who is definitely not the kind to barrage my privacy with incessant phone calls. Then why do I do it? Just like other idiots who are kidding themselves in this 'modern' world with our ideas of self-imposed private sanctums, I also think that I have the right to disappear from everyone's eyes. And no matter how you delude yourself, switching off your phone is the closest you come to it. Earlier I used to get a thrill after switching it off. It's so pathetic to belong to this generation, where this goddamn gadget is like a fucking albatross around your neck. Oooh look no one can call me so now I'm roaming around naked in maroon robe type. Anyways, so if he doesn't fit into the classic 'stalker' category, it still keeps me sane to be away from him. If I can't hear his voice, and he can't hear mine in any possible way, then everything goes well. Of course I'm bored and everyone seems daft but I'm calm.
And here I am..stupidly staring at this 2 kilo ka phone and that message. How can people just write some tripe after 2 years of seeing you last, in extremely testing circumstances, and make you feel as if you never left off? Nooo, actually it's just him who's capable of such Bollywoodism. The familiarity of this whole exchange with this man makes me hurl. But what's worse is how I lack any semblance of a spine in asking him to fuck off. Did I just agree to meet him? In a week I think. What am I thinking! At least I managed to lay off the 'let's take a holiday together to sort out what we want' plan. It's so sad. Usually I think I'm pretty smart with men, but here, I'm like a fucking Barbie. I KNOW it's all bullshit. I had this shrink who told me that I'm attracted to him because of the lack of a father figure in my life. I knew that long ago. Before that 1000 bucks an hour shrink.
So I'm not going to do it. It'll be interesting to watch how I will manage to NOT sleep with him. And how I will manage to meet him without flashbacks at the trillionth speed. And no, I will not think of interesting places to do it. And no, I will not dwell on a no-strings attached arrangement, because that only works when you're not the one who's Barbie. Watch watch watch.
Just want to watch as to when I'll swim over this chapter in my life. 4 years back I gave it 2 years. Jesus. Maybe people are drawn to particular ex relationships because no one has been able to top them, yet. Yes, it's the only theory that makes sense. So maybe I should not be wary of relationships and actually look for someone, and then walk with him to this ex and then slap him for not being good enough. Because I've found what's good enough. Hmmmmmm. The sheer idiocy...
It's funny how I want to slap so many assorted people. Not all of them have been bad to me. Sometimes I just do. It's such a nice way to end things. Because of the shock value, you are not forced to tolerate those people for too long. Just today I slapped someone for touching me. After a long time. Phataaak.