Relief smells like the sea

Bhagwaan tera lakh lakh shukar hai! Just to remember this date that should teach me to be nice and understanding towards every struggler in every field. Amen.

Ditcher

I've lost count of the number of people I've ditched in my life. It's not something that I do on purpose, but most times, the fact that I won't be able to show up dawns on me late. And I ditched Shantanu a lott. Before he left Delhi, while he was in Delhi, after I reached Bombay. It just happened. Or maybe I didn't put in enough effort, as always. We just joked about it all the time. My shopping, his alcohol dependency. That's what really took him in the end.

Everyone used to tell me how I'll have a certain stillness in my life after my needless rebellion. Which obviously made no sense to any of us, so we stayed awake for 40 hours straight, drank even bong water (once!), experimented, because we are here now, and we won't be at the same place again. Many of us have come out of the madness and made normal lives out of it, but some of them had to pay. Just for the carelessness and not loving our bodies enough. It's not that his death has taught me these things, but knowing someone who dies because of sheer carelessness and of how immature we all really are, is cementing all that I've come to understand lately.

Do I love life more now? No idea. Do I love my friends more? Well I always did, but this surely made me call my namesake brother who also drinks like a fish. He does it because he's bored, and for a girl who left him. It's funny. Maybe tomorrow he'll meet someone he loves even more, and he'd want to live for that. But his immunity will shortchange him. It scares me.

All that we do to ourselves in a million impulses, are we really equipped to handle it when it matures into something else. So many things to be sure of in life...it's madness. I don't know which idiot called it a journey of discovery.

I also don't get people who hoard hospitals in times like these to show solidarity. Sure man. But did you even know this person? What's the point of calling all and sundry announcing things in a singalong voice and then taking space from people who really need to heal, because you want to stand up to your idea of being a good person. God, so many years, and basic things are so rare.

All about kites

I just posted something quite insulting about The Kite Runner on Facebook. Apparently it hurt someone so deeply that he started screaming about how I should read the novel properly and how my pain is my pain?

I didn't get the Kite Runner, mostly because I can't understand or connect with characters that are morally weak, in other words, have no balls. No one thinks of how most books, movies revolve around repulsive people who I would ordinarily loathe to hang out with in real life. Most of these retards are self-obsessed, insensitive, completely moronic and usually, authors will waste 500 pages on their journey of becoming a normal person. In Kite Runner's case, a normal person who starts to stand up for his friends and his honor, do things for his family etc. I don't get it. You waste your entire friggin life being an asshole, even watching your friend/servant/whatever getting raped, making fun of people with less fortunate backgrounds..basically be a prized prick.

Suddenly at the age of 40, you are forced into redeeming circumstances by another man's scheming outlines, whereby you do something that speaks integrity even though you never wanted to get into that scene from the first place, and I'm supposed to weep for you and clap about what a wonderful man you are now? How you have FINALLY lived up to your purpose in life, be a good person. Such bullshit!

Sad part of life is that mostly, these kind of people are the ones who occupy prime roles everywhere. And the ones who do the right thing and don't make a big drama of it are relegated to the confines of minor roles in the bigger picture. I'm not some crazy extremist who talks of moral standards, but basic things, customs that religion doesn't teach you. If you don't follow your instincts in a situation, then you suck as a person.

Obviously I'm quite a girl and emotional at that too, so when I read this book years back, it made me cry. Mostly because of the way Hosseini captured the thawing of the distance between the father and son. Anyway, the moment you can relate a book or movie to your life, it gets you too mush to view it objectively. But now that I read it years later, have no idea how I didn't grasp how pathetic the main character was before. And we are supposed to appreciate this journey of a man with no balls.

I read/watch these kind of inept characters and wonder where is the justice in this world!
I saw some episode of that lameass Salman Khan show where Katrina Kaif was a guest, and is about to gamble playing some question in which she can lose money if she gets it wrong. When she's asked to play safe since the money will be for charity, she's like oh I need to call my director and ask him if he'll send in the money in case I lose here so that I can pay for the charity. Because I'm promoting his movie and no I won't pay from my own pocket. WTF!
I don't know what kind of a fucked up world this is that you can say something so bitchy on national tv and men who haven't sex in weeks will still make you the most searched name on Google.

I remember these friends of mine went on a road trip from Pune to Jaipur and ran out of money on the way. They asked this coconut seller to help them with drink or food, getting all embarrassed about relating their story and were shocked to see when the man didn't hear another word and started slashing coconuts, giving it to them, waving off any more money talks and even shoving some in their hand. And that man had a cart with coconuts and an income of probably 100 bucks per day. And there are millions like him in this world, following their instincts, their gut so that they can sleep easy at night after doing things the best way they know. There are no movies made on them.

This is not to say that Katrina Kaif's braindead movies and slutty touch-me-touch-me dancing show money is more valued success than the assets of a coconut seller in Gujarat, but it makes my pet theory more believable for me.
It's a no brainer as to why I don't pray. If there really was someone up there, he/she has been consistently bad with keeping his part of the bargain. Hell they are worshiping me anyway, so why bother with actually doing something? The permutations & combinations, fairness, equity, financial distribution, simply everything in this world is screwed up like some malfunctioning sarkari office. It's amazing how everyone goes ballistic over an entity that hasn't been doing his job properly for as long as I can remember.

....

Just saw this ad where this man in a car with cufflinks and fancy shirt gets disgusted at the sight of a sweating young boy on a bicycle at a traffic signal. Yech yech don't get your sweat from the sun near my air-conditioned cocoon. The kid sees the disgust, gets embarrassed, straightens his clothes, looks neater, and smiles to rich uncle. Proclaims gaily that's its just a difference of 2 wheels that he'll make up in a few years. Who is making this bullcrap!

2009 Fuck you

You know what I really really hate. Whiners. I fucking hate whiners. And you know what I hate more than whiners, whiners who have nothing to whine about. And I also hate self-involved super sensitive people who love to discuss their problems, and whatever you tell them they always have a bigger and a more depressing incident to recount. Maybe it pisses me off more because I only crib to myself, or to the mirror and don't see the point of boring people with all that is wrong with my life. If you have any degree of common sense, you would know that no one really gives a shit and most people really want you to hurry up so that they can purge their sad events later. And I'm not talking of bad people, these are traits of nice normal healthy people who all of us know and meet everyday. So let's say that I've taken a lot of shit from my friends. And of every kind. Because even though I've had perennial issues with getting along with most, once I warm up to you, I feel guilty if I don't listen to you recount stories about heart-break over a guy you've met twice, or about how you've been partying four days straight but life is so complicated and difficult for you since you wanted to be a fashion designer after all. Now I may smirk inwards, or mentally pull my hair out, or hold back tears from my voice or my eyes from the phone because something way more serious and crushing happened to me 2 minutes back, I will still hear everything you say and try to cheer you up. There isn't even any reason for me not to tell you my shit, But I just can't! So I will proceed to hear your drone, give you advice, support, fake some smiley sound, and throw around pillows in frustration after that. Why do I do all this lame stuff. I'm so used to it that now the whole 'venting out' process makes me feel naked in front of someone else. I just can't open up like that. But this year has been particularly bad. No wait this year has stank and I know that it's going to get worse. But breaking my self-imposed silence is not going to happen, because few people have guilt issues like I do, or have the ability to make out when your friends need help. I don't know if I'm with the wrong people, I don't know what it is. But now I feel like making a check-list of all that has already gone wrong this year so that I earn the right to whine. Yes, in my world, you need to back up your misery as well.

1. Hmm. Something's that's never happened before which is best not mentioned here.
2. 17 years of education, and I flunked a paper for the first time
3. It's halfway down the year, and I'm still not gainfully employed.
4. I'm living at home. Everyone I know has extended life to cities with no parents.
5. I get constant calls from people I want to avoid who insist on recounting how much fun they all are having. It makes me sick
6. I've lost my camera. Have had it for 4 years now. Not just that, have been losing something or other that's vitally important every other week. Which is bizarre since I have photographic memory and this kind of stuff never happens with me.
7. Final semester, and all the fools in college have scored more than me. Even though I busted my ass and never cheated. I know it fucking makes me sound like a baby who never cheats in exams but I'm so fucking pissed right now that I don't give a shit about how I sound. All that stupid shit about hard work paying off is all bullshit, other things do the job very nicely. And it's crazy how this type who never worked to deserve those grades will proudly or modestly announce them to you. Either way, I have no respect you and it makes me want to curl up in bed for a week.
8. I'm secretly and slowly realizing that maybe I'm not as smart as I thought. THAT IS SCARY SHIT.

Hm. That's all I can remember right now. I hate this year, I hope it gets lost fast. Hopefully with less assholes who feel sorry for themselves calling me up as well. Man this year, if I can survive and help myself without going incognito, it'll be a miracle.

Do watch Revolutionary Road if you want to swim in the unhappiness that is life. Apart from the fact that leonardo dicaprio has to be the most endearing thing when he's crying, you just feel like dumping all your craziness and try being a good woman again, the movie really is about Kate Winslet. Or it's not about both of them at all, it's about the story, and the original book that I hope to catch on to soon.
It is definitely not cinematic brilliance, but I don't see how any young person stuck in the corporate mess cannot sink lower while watching this one. It's got everything we all talk about, Paris is the place to be, we will not be the ones to settle down in urban suburbia, planning for a house and kids, then a bigger house and kids. No we will travel and see the world, kids won't tie us down. Because of course, we tried alternate careers when we were younger, she even tried to be an actress. There were things we did to genuinely feel alive, and laughed at that guy who'll go to work at 8 am every morning and so complains of the noise we can't hear.
We all think endlessly of this dream because we all consider ourselves special. Different. Other than the rest, who will not lose themselves in the larger scheme of the world and keep idealism within touching distance. We had progressive political thought, had an opinion on everything, we will surely do something other than just be.
It's all fine till you have time. Because yes, it's on the cards we are going to break away and do something else. We will 'feel' what we are doing all over again. But it's all a lie, isn't it? Because most of us were born simply to forget that phase at one point. Or to really put it at the back-burner and refer to it in drunken conversations with college friends. Because none of us are fucking special. We all are alike, except with some minor changes, the Constitution drafters were not writing it all for nothing. Most accept it and move on, money is the best balm. But there are some who never stopped dreaming or planning for the big escape, it's so real that they can see it. And they can't make peace with the alternate reality. That's when you lose your mind. And those are ones who are freaky, psychotic, insane. That movie is fucking scary.

Boards Bored

Delhi is so boring in the summer. There's not much you can do. I've been quite vella trying to keep myself,e trying to join things I always wanted to but never could because I was stuck in th city of people with no cool interests Pune, so I call the Delhi Blue Pottery Trust thinking that it'll be quite a breeze because only repressed maniacs like me are into pottering around anyway and the usual Delhi junta will obviously have no patience with such a slow art, but that place has an unbelievable waiting of 6 months for weekend batch. So all of them must be working folks. That's so crazy that I started laughing and told the guy that maybe I should drop in and pay the entire fee and hopefully there'll be place in a week or so, he gave me some artistic speech of how money is not an issue because people are very serious about this anyway and so they'll call me. But if this is so popular, when I tell people about the pottery dream, they just laugh hysterically. I'm obviously in the company of extremely uncultured Punjabi people.

These days there's major renovation at my place so me and brother are sharing a room. up.I've come back after so long, it's quite weird to see his gigantic build (bad because I can't beat him to pulp anymore, a memory he doesn't recall at all now. ha ha) and how he's all grown up, keeps banging his drum sticks in the air to practice his music,listens to Sepulchra, is surgically attached to his phone, and thinks he can do IIT. Wow. Who are these new age kids?

I remember when I was his age, I was already cool because girls mature faster and all that. I was so busy thinking of that cute Bong senior in school and styling my hair and buying new clothes that I completely forgot about exams and anything serious. It didn't help that I took Commerce which I hated. But that time my mom's constant drill about study study, you'll ruin your life, all we have is education, what will you do after school irritated me enough to pick up books for an hour at max, after which I again chilled out in my head and started bouncing to Velvet Underground. And I always hated her for not seeing the point of my life, that I wanted to do much bigger things, that I didn't want my guitar and dance classes cancelled, that I can't function staring at books all day holed up in a room, and that I didn't want to live out the middle class dream of SRCC MBA and then flat by 25 at all.

Somehow I controlled my freespirit in time especially after I had no one to hang out with because simply everyone was studying for the Boards. Which was really good because you never know what a big deal Boards are in this country till you actually give them and screw them up. The day results were about to get out, everyone I knew was hopping mad, with me imagining getting stuck at some horrible college in Delhi where people won't know who Nirvana is and where I won't be able to live out my teenage dream of walking down college in tiny purple shorts, because hey that's how they do it in Sweet Valley High in California.

So miraculously, I didn't fail math and got through LSR and even though I didn't get through Stephens Eng because I didn't get that ridiculously high cut-off, which got me so pissed because no random kid from Modern or whatever could have read more books or wanted to do Eng lit more than I did, but then Indian education system is so fucking warped up that even to study Emma you have to be a nerd who topped in every subject. Though I was Scared shitless at being surrounded by girls all day but I still died in happiness at getting through the college and course I wanted, and then the college ranking made sure that mom didn't have any reason to scream or complain so I was happy that again I can read books, hang out with people of my type, smoke all day, waste time, get away from home etc etc.

Funny thing is even though I rebelled against the typical idea of education, now that I see my younger brother wasting his time all day, not studying, not taking 12th seriously at all since he's too busy planning his birthday bash and how to ask out this girl or that, I see myself turning into my mother! Nagging him to study and tell him jokingly of how he'll completely fuck up his chances in college. Bleh.How I hate being in this country sometimes. Why can't we guys just be the sort of civilization that rejoices at someone actually graduating?
But I know how depressed he's going to be when everyone around him is going to call excitedly with 90 percent and above, when relatives, aunties and everyone you haven't spoken to you in years will call you and stop you on the street to ask your marks, when parents will never let you forget how you did, how your dreams of having fun in a cool college will burst open. So I guess being in India, no matter what these bloody counselors, newspapers, school principals say about changing the education pattern and how something's got to be wrong if people are killing themselves over marks, literally too, but it's all bullshit because nothing will ever change because we'll never figure out a better way. Because these same people will step out and judge you on your marks and that will affect your job, college, everything. It sucks. But that' s life.

So I hope chota bhai kicks real ass. So that he can totally spoil himself for the next 3 years without anyone grudging him his happiness and the supreme right to waste time.

Indian elections: Be friends with terrorists = Get votes

I'm amazed by the Tamilian ego. More than that, the way everyone ignores all that is happening in the name of national integrity and protection of 'suffering' communities is nothing short of ridiculous.

How would anyone in the right mind think that Tamilians in Sri Lanka ought to be protected in the current scenario? Are they not themselves responsible for the situation they've brought in. It's all fine and dandy when you effectively put hold on a country's development and deny it global respect just because you chose to pack your bags and move to a foreign land and now you want a separate country out of it. Amongst politicial causes, the LTTE cause has been the most bizarre. If their logic is meant to be taken in spirit, then why just Sri Lanka, heaven knows that Tamilians, or rather South Indians have imprinted their presence on every place on the globe. So there should be separate Tamilian/Andhra/Keralite/Punjabi/Whatever country within the countries these people choose to settle in. No wonder these days you need to pause your normal existence to get a visa to countries like UK. Places like Britain, Australia, US are too strong to let these people get away with such absurdities. But Sri Lanka is nothing. A pacifist nation, with the nicest people imaginable, who have been harassed for decades in their own country by these fanatics.

People deny a sociological interpretation to such demands since it cuts into being racist or judgmental, but that is an important way of interpreting and understanding the course of such ridiculous political theories and demands. No one is unaware of the regional pride and attachment most people from the South attach to their respective States. Of course it's great that you think that North India has been denying your right to 'determine yourself' for so long that the only way you know how to fight out this discrimination is by wearing your origin on your sleeve, head, psyche, simply everywhere. You have a problem with Bollywood, hate 'India' and US is the place to be, hate North Indians and their ignorance of your culture, talk in local dialects when you are in the midst of people who don't understand a word of hat you say, and follow your State parties and politics like maniacs. Of course it's alright that you too don;t have any idea about the rest of the country, North East or West, or that Indian politics as a whole holds no meaning for you. Forget all that. We are so smart, and we have been ignored. It's ok if we hate you because you're judgmental of us, regardless of how we are judgmental of everyone else. These may seem like extremely racist observations, but 500 bucks for someone who can show me a majority that doesn't fit into this analysis. I think I ought to have the right to know as I've known way more South Indians than most people in the North, some of whom are great, wonderful, interesting individuals and friends. This is not about singling them out, but the way the larger behaviour points out to what Karunandhi said yesterday. There are demonstration in London that support the LTTE cause. People in TN are bursting crackers, that's how excited they are that Karunanidhi considers the biggest terrorist of them all, Prabhakaran, a personal friend. Yes, of course, our people are suffering. That's our land. You said it, you get my vote.

For all those who respect Sonia Gandhi, there should be questions in the event the Congress validates or supports what Karunanidhi has said. Which it has already done so in a vague manner so far by Kapil Sibal. Anything for power huh.

For all those who sympathize with the Tamil cause, they should start believing in the Taliban vision of Muslim domination as well as it's the same thing. How come Muslims who believe in that are terrorists and madmen and no one thinks of how Tamils have been getting away with murder just because one fine day they decided to mark out a plot of land in a foreign country as their own, and now they call it a struggle for freedom. Communities do NOT get their own space in sovereign territories, that is not the way this world has developed and I hope it won't do so in the future. There'll be nothing left of this world except bits and pieces if such things are propagated.

I'm glad the Sri Lankan army is finally not paying heed to these psuedo human rights proponents and going ahead with what they should have done years back. Maybe then less lives would have been lost today. I know that in the real scenario, it's only the hapless who gets harmed in these major political theories. Whether its a poor Sri Lankan farmer, An Army officer who dies away from his family, or a Tamil who lives his life peacefully, by chance in a territory that debates his presence in Sri Lanka.But these Tamil farmers and locals who are being used as human shields by LTTE men are the ones who protected these terrorists from the army for years. Their communication network and sympathy for the LTTE cause led to so many deaths in the local Sri Lankans as well as their armies. Why wasn't any Tamil or human rights activist concerned about the rising deaths caused due to their 'war of determination'. Excusing such crap by saying that human nature forces one to only fend for oneself and it's own people is not going to work anymore. If it's them today, it'll be you tomorrow. How I wish that these spurts of national identity that Tamils regularly suffer from had been dealt with by Sri Lanka the same way that Malaysia had done some time back. Encouraging frivolity has brought them here...but it looks like it's finally over.

More power to the people of Sri Lanka. I hope they progress the way they've always wanted once this nightmare is over.

How Dilli is only Khan Market

Correct me if I'm wrong but there seems to be no cool things happening in Delhi anymore.The invites I get on Facebook are so lame..masakalli parties at Ai, Gold Bazaar at F Bar. Wtf?! And then sods express shock over my disinterest in the whole clubbing culture. The majority still get tripped out over dolling up their female escorts and themselves in white shiny shoes and fancy dinner jackets, spend 1500 on a peg oF white rum and spend the entire evening pooh poohing over other's lifestyles and checking out the competition. How can this be fun? How can people 'unwind' in this way after what they term a 'hard day's work'? And please, for all those who have affinity towards these dingy rock type of places, I find these joints quite pathetic. It's only meant for people who never quite overgrew their college personalities. Like Toto's ...uff How I hate that place. There's no place to fucking move, they have the same playlist since forever, You have to keep standing on someone's head to get a table, it smells weird, and you see the same faces everytime you go there. And some new gora faces. It sucks.


....

Has anyone read this blog www.thedelhiwalla.blogspot.com? Oh god what a load of bullcrap it is. This guy thinks himself to be a traveling journalist and someone who has a world view on everything. Er yes... the only things I see on that blog are stories of his jaunts into Paharganj and Khan Market. And the way he describes Paharganj is quite hilarious.. as if that's the last remains of hippie culture this side of the country. The same people who would talk of wine and Sunday brunch as if they were born from the womb knowing these things have no peeves with having breakfast at some shady joint in that area, eating food made in clearly unhygienic conditions just because Lonely Planet and a lot of firangs tell them so. People talk about India's development and all that jazz, the goal will never be attainable until Indians develop a balanced view of themselves and their place in their world and shed their bloody white man complex.
I still have incidents where a shop owner will completely ignore me or Indians once a bunch of firangs enter the arena. Atithi devo bhavo my ass. I don't want to cheapen this argument by judging human value by how much they are economically worth, but let's just say that I will spend more in that store than those 2 dollar attired goras.

I veered towards another tangent altogether, but maybe some of you should check out this blog which is clearly written by a complicated individual who goes to Khan Market every week and thinks that having anything less than a Pajero is like a no-admit to that conclave of the rich. He also breaks down a person's look in terms of what costs how much, down to your boxers if you're only out to buy biscuits for your dog.

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Why doesn't anyone on my Phonebook use Twitter? I find it seriously cool!

The end

Aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh. What can I say at a time like this? Where exactly is this Khooni Darwaza in delhi? Is it true that you can scream your lungs out there and no one will be around to witness it. I need something like that right now. Place to scream it out, no one to ask questions. There is reason as to why I don't discuss my predicament with anyone else. Most people must be like, big deal dude, college got over. Why can't she get over it. But they didn't live life like I did. They didn't have a vision in front of them before they practically ran away from home, and met people and situations that helped me live that vision. You think that you could do so much, if only those barricades disappear. And I did all that. Lived life the way I imagined it 4 years back, from my room in Delhi blasting NIN. Now is a completely different situation.

Like before, the new plans haven't exactly worked out. I find myself in Delhi once again. No offense, I really love this city but it's so difficult for me to live here. There are so many reasons behind it and I always knew that it would be a challenge, now I'm living it out. The job scene is so horribly slow and non-productive, nothing in Bombay seems possible as of now. Looks like I'll have to make do with whatever I get over the next few months and slug it out for a year in this city. Of course graduating during recession should give me enough common sense to do away with long-term plans altogether, but so much shit still didn't stop from visualizing a way out of this in another year. Another year.

I think of the people I've left behind, and then I see how disattached I feel from my current life. To meet someone for an hour, you need to work out 2 hours around it. Everyone needs a concrete plan. Everyone just drinks. My mom tells me that Delhi life is different, forget your Pune freedom, here you have to watch out. My dad gets pissed if I get uncommunicative. He thinks I'm only concerned about my friends..he doesn't know the times when I vegged in my room for days and didn't speak to anyone. That was normal, I had made peace with my anti-social personality...now how will I undo all my work? Delhi is still the same....disconnected, chaotic, claustrophobic. My new-found low confidence doesn't let me appreciate anything or anyone. I deliberately exist without a number because I want to avoid 'are you back in town' calls. Anyways the only people worth knowing in this city have already left town.

It's hard to say good-bye. I always used to pride myself on never being home-sick, Now I get what it means. Though it's not a place I'm attached to, or the people...a part of both figure into the larger picture. It's who I become when I step onto a place. The energy and the optimism that makes sense, but no other place can invoke that spirit. How it feels to be me. And it doesn't matter if there aren't enough people to accept that.

Maybe things will change and Delhi will surprise me. For now, an era has ended. When I see pictures, I look so grown up. I can finally talk in terms of 'oh that happened 4 years back'. Haha. I was the only one who didn't cry when everyone was bawling their eyes out. Now that I'm home, I get misty-eyed eating dinner. The finality still evades me, that's why I cut my hair. I heard that women do that in defining moments in their life. Never had the balls to do that before, so I guess now I'm so comfortable in my skin that it makes perfect sense to ignore everyone's advice and go ahead with it. Slowly and subtly, things around me are undergoing change. My initial acceptance is mechanical, I do wait for the time when it wouldn't feel I stepped in someone else's house and look for gates to get out of it...

nu year

i really don't get this hoo-haa over new year's eve. what exacty is the big deal about a stupid year getting over, why does everyone has to fal over oneself to decide on the best possible plan to bring it in? I really got fried this time thinking of a paln sinmply because I wanted to curl up in bed on the 31st and no one would let me do that! so i did something entirely low-key...after 4 years, i actually went to delhi. Was in such a daze in the flight..since when have i started doing such things. but it was pretty much what i wanted..eat mummys food, order my brother around, talk to my dad about clothes and not venture out of the house. I'm fucking glad this bitch of a year is over, absolutely nothing good came out of it. i started to think of depressing, life-altering things a lot more, did a lot more drugs, my best friends moved out, didn't meet anyone interesting and had horrible money management. Also i stayed put in pune kidding myself that i gotta be there to attend college, which i never did due to which i didn't travel anywhere. discounting hampi that is. And i also had to send my dog away...it sucked ass.

so it was obvious that I was hoping that 2009 will sweep me off my feet with lots of cool ground-breaking stuff. when things start to get fucked, you get superstitious. You're human. and so far, it's getting worse. I still haven't got a job, every cheesedick i meet, even the ones who never read a newspaper in their life is giving me worthless gyaan on how the 'markets' are so bad that i should just quit the chase. today i got my marksheet and flunked a paper for the FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE. fucking unbelievable. then this another horrible thing has happened which i cannot put on to this stupid blog. i'm so disillusioned that i've started drinking. So still haven't got out of my drunken haze to start working and planning on all the things I need to take care of, like studying for my interviews and blanking out on unnecessary people I anyways never needed in my life. Maybe I should also get less egoistical about relationships and not want things simply when they get out of my reach. People talk about men getting involved in the chase and the losing interest, I've been doing that forever now. And not it's finally started to affect me. And it's all happening together. Aaaaaaaaaahhhh. And some more

Even though I haven't met a half decent man since I was 14, I have finally hit across a best girlfriend and I really thank god for that. There's really nothing better than getting drunk with your best friend and going over and over about the same thing and nit-picking on the same points hoping to get a fresher perspective on it by 4 am. Since the loser doesn't smoke, I have to drink to converse with her on the same level. The things I do for her hmm...

Now am in bombay taking a break from the hell that is pune, but am already thinking of going back on monday when i have to stop thinking of all that is going wrong, get focussed, get totally clean, and handle it all till I get placed. Then I shall sleep on a beach, thank god, pinch myself that it's finally over and I've come through it, get stoned ot of my mind, not remember these last 6 months, not think about the next 4 years, not think of how my life will completely change, and remind myself that I was always a strong girl. This is all so tough. But I'll fucking do it.