Friday, May 25

Kremlin Masala

One of the most wonderful things in life is to have something fitting into your expectations as if it was truly made for them. Most of us love to proclaim our no-expectation stance in life quite often, but I've always considered that to be absolute drivel. The reason people can't stand each other, quit jobs, fuck behind each other's backs is because you expect. Make up these stories in your head of what you think you deserve. And conveniently forget that nothing happens if you simply park your ass over it. And that's why Russia's been swimming in my head all day.
That is the only country I've been to which conforms to your expectations to the hilt. Yes, you expect the chain-smoking, not-talking, doubtful-if-even-breathing taxi driver to take you somewhere in a forest full of snow and bury you in the ground after a painless death. Just like that.
Or expect to get picked up and taken onto red velvet embossed secret rooms of the Kremlin. To pour out your secrets. And then promptly be shot in the head. Surrounded by men smoking cigars and drinking vodka, looking flushed pink against the weirdest chairs you've ever seen in your life. The streets are big enough for a war to be fought there. And absolutely nothing is small. It's all fucking big baby. The perfect embodiment of a fucked up Socialist Union.
It's beauty lies in it's unpretentiousness. I mean, hell, we are stressed out so we'll drink from 9 in the morning out of the bottle. And if by some freaky chance we invite you to our home,where you dared to refuse alcohol, then you're thrown out. And we'll smoke too and won't talk to dumb frikkin tourists calling them mate and all that jack, asking them the weather. These people are real.And so is their country.

Most Russian politics is thread-bare. They've hated and liked the same people. They don't love anyone and that's brilliant.Lol. We'll make the weapons, kill dissenters, get public money accumulated and hire the craziest architects to make every structure look wonderfully bizarre. And we'll screw our own people because that's what every country does anyways so please let's not be two-faced about it.

Although it's very sad that Litvinenko got killed. But his death interests me more.It's exactly like those crime novels you used to read as a kid, except that no one died from radioactive isotopes back then. Although it's perfectly cool to crib about something like the KGB after you've joined it, and talk about how you were ordered to kill influential Russians. It's also a bit funny because the world knows that already. This information is as ground-breaking as the fact that Bush can't place Iraq on a map. Which he can't, he just bombs it, with no mistake.
What really got me amused was Russia refusing extradition rights to the British Government for Andrei Lugovoi, the man who's apparently behind the murder.
Ok, first, he's way too hot to kill someone. Or, at least to let people know he did it. And also, Britain with it's policy of giving asylum to anyone and everyone who screws around in any country. Pakistanis, German,Indian,American and British corporate and political offenders are wrapped up like babies in the UK.
And only the Russians had the gall to tell these hypocrites to go fuck themselves good.
What's truly classic is the statement that murder proceedings on Andrei are a 'possibility.' Har har.

How do they say kickass in Russian??

18 comments:

InExile said...

now eastern european politics... ?? ..more discoveries turn similar... wonder what would picasso say ... you think he could've paint 'wavelength'..

The Dude said...

encore! encore!
i gotta say, youre really on a roll these last few posts...
who needs bruce willis in another crappy sequel, compared to you, the real die-hard with a vengeance!
ive always wanted to go to russia, now i just want to go more!!
i love the russians and i think putin is the best thing to happen to international politics in a loooong time...
cheers...

The Dude said...

... and i LOOOOVE russian vodka!!! :)

whitelight said...

They also gave this world a car called Lada.

antickpix said...

it's sort of comforting to think of the huge monolithic grey building and woolen cap wearing-vodka swigging types driving around in rickety Ladas (thank you white).

and they have the most wonderful names.

Stolichnaya. mmmmm.

LostLittleGirl said...

Exile: First you make the machine! He most definitely would, especially after I tell him how big he really got..lol

Dude: Hee hee. See I see it more as coming to terms with the realization that I'll crib my way through life! So vodka helps :)
And yes Putin, All work, no shit, and best worsted suits ever.

Whitelight: Awww. So true.

Antickpix: The madness is comforting. I love saying anything that makes me look like a dork, so Russian, Polish, German ...Bring it on!

Ricercar said...

I love the way you wrote this :)
I have always wanted to go to Russia!
Someday ...

Electric Shaman said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Electric Shaman said...

Perfect sample of Balkan politics. Former pinko commies whose moms performed an average of ten sexual favors for a lump of sugar in a fucked up gulag get drunk on vodka at a seedy bar full of former pinko commies and the by far the most inept mob in the world (so inept that an 80 year old woman with rheumatoid arthritis can jump them in broad daylight), the russian mob (in deference to my beloved Italians I wont use the term mafia). Pinko 1 is from the alley that is on the end of a lane thats at the right of Pinko 2's home. Pinko 1 thinks Pinko 2's locality is shitty. There is a barroom brawl over this. Next day there are shots fired.. the UN peace keeping force is called in with guns and ammo. One week later Pinko 1 and Pinko 2 claim that they belong to two ethnic sects that have been locked in historic conflict for centuries ( only lock was that Pinko 1's father was in a wedlock with Pinko 2's sister) and Viola!!! before you can say Dasvidania two new states are born. If there is one community of people who I truly believe should be nuked to save the world its Eastern FUCKING Europe.

LostLittleGirl said...

Ricercar: Thunk thunk you! You must...different than most.

Shaman: Shameek ke bachhe, see the thing about your wunderrrful comments is the sheer predictability. Like I KNOW you're going to disagree with me because you absolutely love to get your head pound in the ground. Sooo...as much as I would lurrrrve to dissect every word and kick your sweet ass methodically, since no time for that right now, I'll just keep it short and do the rest via telephone.
Firstly, you know ONE goddamn Italian! Get over it and stop supporting them...they are no less cheap bitches compared to the Commies. Not the Russian ones of course, a bit of the other Eastern Europe. It doesn't matter me thinks, because all they do is fight with each other. Who really ought to get nuked are those chutiyas who plant bombs in Mumbai local.
And btw..I couldn't tell you. That poem was NOT about a guy. That's just too boring. Writing poems for men.Barrrrf.

Electric Shaman said...

well your Russian post and the poem gave me the idea that you had fallen for some Russian crack dealer.. btw one piece of advice: DONT BUY DOPE FROM RUSSIANS.. their stuff is sub standard and they look down your shirt like crazy..
And i know 10 Italians haha.. and I know a Russian who says Pink Floyd is gay music.. and another one who listens to alternate rock and pretends he is a dude. Dont blame me for being judgemental!!!
And if it is an argument you want bring it on darling. Ive been waiting .. so far all our arguments have ended undecided :(

LostLittleGirl said...

I leave our arguments undecided because I'm charitable to Bengalis, because everyone knows they are wussies. Since we are friends and all that, I won't send you to Russians to buy my dope. Swear!

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